• Spies' revenge: Outed CIA agent Valerie Plame and some dude claiming to be her husband (for now) resurrect lawsuits against alleged press whisperers Vice President Dick Cheney, his former chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former White House political adviser Karl Rove, and former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage.
• Evil liberals: Fox News reports that members of Code Pink, an anti-war group, will use tactics like witchcraft to rally against the Iraq war. Meanwhile, Fox News continues to use tactis like Bill O'Reilly.
• Birth control?: Arkansas-born and bred (quite frequently it seems), The Duggars are expecting their 18th child. With any luck, it will come out green and the Internet as we know it will implode.
• Donnie Darko 2, the Explanation: Someone in Hollywood thought it would be good to earmark $10 million for a sequel to Donnie Darko that is not directed by Richard Kelly, stars not a single Gyllenhaal and probably has a nü metal soundtrack.
• It's like that one Carly Simon song: Sex & the City star Kim Cattrall mouths off about actors who were insecure and whiny when it came to baring it all for the hit show. (She's lookin' at you, Noth!)
• Fighting terror on the newsstands: Representative Paul Broun (R-GA), who advocates the death penalty and castration to be available to those who rape victims under 16, is now pushing the Military Honor and Decency Act, which would ban service members staring down death daily from buying Playboy, Penthouse, and other man mags. (Still totally kosher, oddly: Beaver Hunt)
'ALIENS! VOLCANOES! I KNOW, RIGHT?!' Packer and Cruise in a joy-off
James Packer, one of Australia's richest men (once worth $7 billion) and Scientology's richest member, is pulling away from the Xenu crew.
He was introduced to Scientology by Tom Cruise in 2002 at a low point in his life. Fat, depressed, and divorcing his first wife, Jodhi Meares, he was suffering through the public collapse of of his family's business, One.Tel.—he had lost $350 million. Having bounced back, he reportedly told his friends he no longer "needs it." Packer's neck deep in a casino venture now, which doesn't quite jibe with Scientology-approved behavior. The chruch founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in 1977 that "An obsessive gambler is a psychotic just like a drug addict or an alcoholic." Or as Packer's come to know them, regulars. [Sydney Morning Herald]
The irresponsible Washington Post pundit in this clip chuckles this one away but men over 50 should have their bearings checked yearly, if not even more often. It's relatively painless, quick, and an excellent opportunity to meet Joe Lieberman.
So our promotions guy David Cho is a strong believer in content tied to specific holidays and events. He's got some wacky theory about how it drives traffic and brings eyeballs to the site. Every meeting we have he tosses out ideas for features and quizzes we can peg to different dates and festivals (I can't tell you what we've got planned for Arbor Day, but be very, very excited). I saw him this morning and he was looking a little down.
"What's wrong, young Cho?" I asked. (David just turned 17 last week.)
"We should have done something for Mother's Day," he said disconsolately.
Well, maybe we should have; if I have a fault as a manager it's that I'm inclined to forget things I don't give a shit about, and pulling together a feature for Mother's Day is way near the top of that list. But Cho just looked so sad, I knew we had to have something. So I did a quick survey of folks in the office for the holiday. Results follow.
Visiting South Wales earlier today, Prince Williamdefended his use of RAF helicopters for a stag party and girlfriend-impressing shenanigans, but he also took a moment at a second stop to demonstrate his Nintendo Wii skills. "I've been accused of wasting money—joyriding," the prince told an 82-year-old man defensively at his first stop. "I'm working on my license. I'm trying to do as much flying as I can." And don't forget partying—you're trying to do as much partying as possible, too, Will.
On an official visit to the Valleys Kids Project in the Rhondda Valley, HRH was challenged to a game of Wii Tennis by a young local boy, and William gallantly accepted: "I never thought I would be playing Wii on an official engagement," he told reporters, eager to take up his joystick into his supple royal palm. He walked away victorious, of course (you know how much fucking tennis this dude plays?) Lucky you, Kate Middleton: everyone knows what they say about a guy who's good with a Wii controller and helicopter joysticks ... they're really good at taking Jager shots and blowing through British taxpayers' money.
Kim Kardashian and her sisters Khloe and Kourtney are the latest celebs to stake a claim in the third world in the spirit of budding humanitarianism (they're also effectively one-upping Paris Hilton's recent plan to visit Rwanda). Kim has claimed Burma/Myanmar, along with a dozen or so other celebs who've shot videos for the U.S. Campaign for Burma. As you've probably heard, the plan is to feature 30 or so videos by as many stars in as many days to call attention to the little known crisis in Burma. Admitting that we're far from the first to utter this proclamation: Kim's piece is something altogether extraordinary (compare its tone to the arresting Burma vid by CSI's Wally Langham). Watch above as vanity and empathy collide in that rarefied space where human rights, opportunism, and a gravity-defying badonk-a-donk overlap.
Local news + animals = can't-miss formula for wacky embeddable success. Or, you know, it's Friday and we're running out the clock. Anyway, watch and chuckle as this cow does what cows do. It'll be 5 PM soon enough, we promise. [Breitbart]
Fox News Channel fired production assistant Jennifer Locke for telling John McCain that, "I voted for you in the primary, you're going to win." Unfortunately for Locke, the incident, which took place at last night's Time 100 gala, was caught on videotape. More unfortunately, Locke is 24, and thus much more easily dispensable. [TV Newser]
"Gambling was prohibited in July 2007. Unregulated banks were banned in January 2008. The February prohibition of exploitative billboards was preceded by the debut of a... 'Department of Public Works" dedicated to "improving the experience for residents living on or visiting the... mainland."
What grim society is this, where the once proud principles of laissez faire philosophy have given way to the crushing tentacles of the state?
Above, Snoop Dogg's first scene of a two-day stint on One Life to Live. The second, which airs later today, will have Snoop running through a couple numbers at a bachelorette party. Rumor has it the pent-up nasties of Llanview get naughty. And what about Snoop's kind of superb take on the One Life to Live theme song? Better than Christopher Cross's "Think of Laura" theme from General Hospital? It's just too close to call.
In case you haven't been paying attention to this very important story, 30-year-old buxom blonde biology teacher Tiffany Shepherd has been told her contract will not be renewed and she will not finish out the year at a Port St. Lucie, Florida, high school. School administrators took umbrage with her moonlighting for horny master baiters as a "bikini mate" on a the Smokin' Em Charters fishing tours. Now there's talk of a lawsuit from her.
To debate this issue earlier in the week, Bill O'Reilly brought on a couple of blondes of his own. The video of the heated exchange just hit the Web (also, it's Friday). "Once they get some of these bikini mates out on the ocean, they whip off their tops!" says one of legal experts. About half way through their debate, it appears as if he two will spark up a catfight. Papa Bear interjects just in time with a question about whether this issue will go to court. With an almost visible sexual heat hanging thick in the Fox News studio atmosphere, O'Reilly quips, "I'd love to see you two slug it out in that courtroom. Wanna put some money on that?!" Bikini babe fishing charters or courtrooms courtroom catfights—whatever floats your boat, Bill.
It was not the best week for secret second family man Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY), and it looks like his weekend won't be much better. House Republican leader John Boehner says the embattled Fossella "is going to have some decisions to make over the weekend," which basically means that he and other Republican leaders are in the process of deciding the best way to dispose of Fossella's political corpse. Fossella has said that political calculations are "the furthest thing from my mind," which is fine because his limited options have already been well-illuminated by his forebears in political scandal. Whenever Fossella gets around to figuring out how to end this mess, here's what he'll likely consider:
Sloane Silliness
