THE LIST [EXCERPT]

NAME MY BABY ONE MORE TIME

Popular monikers for newborn celebrities (and civilians)

Most popular U.S. baby names for 2004
Abigail
Andrew
Ashley
Christopher
Daniel
Elizabeth
Emily
Emma
Ethan
Hannah
Isabella
Jacob
Joseph
Joshua
Madison
Matthew
Michael
Olivia
Samantha
William
“Hot” baby names for 2006
Axton
Braelyn
Cadley
Calder
Daston
Erity
Faxon
Halen
Jaeger
Keelyn
Lathe
Lazer
Manson
Pryor
Quade
Race
Shayden
Tage
Thatcher
Wakely
Zealand
Online suggestions for Britney and Kevin’s baby
B.B. (Baby Brit)
Britannica
Brit’totalfaggot
Britven
Cheeto
Chuck
Harpoon
Julep
Kitney
Kiwi
Lynn
Miriam
Red Bull
Traylor
Vegas
Yosemite Samantha
“California
Child Protective
Services
Case #67755-A4”

 

IS THAT A MONKEY IN YOUR MAILBOX

Live animals that can be ordered online

 

BEES For making honey.
Three pounds with queen, $55.
Rossman Apiaries (gabees.com)

CAPUCHIN MONKEY For a pet.
$6,000 (bottle-fed and wearing diapers).
OurPets (ourpets.com)

WHITE CHINESE GEESE For egg laying.
$5.50 per goose, with a minimum order of eight.
Hoover?s Hatchery (hoovershatchery.com)

ASIAN BLACK BIRDEATER SPIDER For a pet.
$95. (Caution: “Jet black, huge and aggressive, hisser!”)
Midwest Exotic Pet Center (midwestexoticpetcenter.com)

PAINTED LADY BUTTERFLIES For release at weddings.
$55 per dozen, two dozen minimum.
Berkshire Butterflies (berkshirebutterflies.com)

BEAGLES For medical research.
Pups, $605 each; over 11 months, $1,445 apiece.
Harlan (harlan.com)

ANTELOPE For a pet.
Price not disclosed.
Reptiles Park (reptilespark.com)

 

Lynda Carter irritable bowel syndrome
Dan Quayle deep vein thrombosis
Natalie Imbruglia obstetric fistulas
Debbie Reynolds incontinence
Naomi Judd hepatitis C
Joanna Kerns (Growing Pains) lactose intolerance
Rob Lowe febrile neutropenia
Howard Dorough (Backstreet Boys) lupus
Ben Affleck ataxia-telangiectasia
Julia Roberts Rett syndrome
Lauren Bacall macular degeneration
Jimmy Carter lazy eye
Janine Turner (Northern Exposure) dry eye
Rue McClanahan shingles
Jerry Mathers (Leave It to Beaver) psoriasis
Christopher Knight (The Brady Bunch) acne

The Crank Yankers, Omaha, NE

Crystal Clear, Miami, FL
Just for Hump Day, San Francisco, CA
Mid-Week No Tweak, Washington, DC
Tweak-Enders, Washington, DC
LateNight Unwired, Atlanta, GA
Icebreakers, Chicago, IL
Ice & Tina Turners, Washington, DC
Posi+ively No Speeding, Atlanta, GA
The Speed Trap, Boston, MA
Speeding Ticket, Canoga Park, CA
Life After Meth, St. Cloud, MN
Quit Mething Around, Los Angeles, CA
Dopeless Hope Fiends, Phoenix, AZ
The Last Straw, Douglasville, GA