IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU

100 signs you’re in the wrong relationship

This article is from the April issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.

1. These days, you can barely muster the energy to punch each other.

2. Your engagement ring is made of calamari.

3. Your friends refer to you as “Biggie” and “Tupac.”

4. You keep a “Go Bag” at his apartment.

5. You finish each other’s silences.

6. The erotic highlight of your week is “Whip It Out Wednesday.”

7. You think fondly of the sanitation worker who called your butt “redonkulous” this morning.

8. You take separate sexcations.

9. You’re making it work for the sake of her stuffed animals.

10. He’s stopped flipping over his grandmother’s portrait before sex.

11. The L sounds have returned to “My Wittle Wovemuffin.”

12. You come home to find a trail of rose petals and a note that reads: “Went to orgy. Don’t wait up.”

13. Your Sleep Numbers add up to 666.

14. On Wife Swap, your first question for your new husband was, “Wait … where’s my bamboo cage?”

15. You’re in couples counseling—with someone else.

16. She only wears her rape whistle around the house.

17. Your kids refer to you as “That Man.”

18. His last name is Montague-McCoy; yours is Capulet-Hatfield.

19. She keeps accidentally stabbing you.

20. His name is Rudy Giuliani.

21. She’s desperately trying to set you up with her gay friends.

22. Your name, tattooed on his chest, has somehow morphed into a Jamaican Bart Simpson.

23. He erased your wedding video to tape more episodes of Arli$$.

24. Your couples therapist recommends electroshock.

25. You leave for work in the middle of the night just so you don’t have to say good morning.