HELP YOURSELF

100 self-help books you can do without

SHELF IMPROVEMENT We recommend you avoid these helpful titles

1. He’s Just Not That Into You: He’s Into Your Hotter, Less Whiny Friend2. Tuesdays With Maury Povich

3. Seven Habits of Highly Successful Dock Whores

4. The Book About Angels for Morons

5. Suck It Up: No One in the Sudan Has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

6. Chicken Soup for the Impotent

7. Six Weeks and $80,000 in Elective Surgery to a Better You

8. All I Really Need to Know I’ve Ignored Since Medical School

9. Suicide: Do It

10. The Tapeworm Diet

11. AIDS, SchmAIDS

12. A Friendly Guide to Cockfighting

13. Who Moved My Bowels?

14. 101 Things You Might Have Accomplished If You Could Travel Back in Time to the Moment You Began Reading This Book Title

15. A Box Facing Southeast: Feng Shui for the Homeless

16. 101 Inspirational Speeches to Deliver During a Race Riot

17. What the Bible Says About Asians

18. The Postpartum Depression Coloring Book

19. Anal Only: Raising Your Christian Teen as a Technical Virgin

20. Bill O’Reilly: Who’s Lookin’ Out for Your Loofah Zone?

21. Feel Better With Lard

22. Tokyo on $750 a Day

23. 1,001 Vocabulary Words to Memorize But Not Grasp the Nuances of

24. Seducing Women With a Little Guile, a Positive Attitude, and $1,000,000 in Cash

25. Shut Up About Your Dead Wife! Dating After 60

26. Really, Must You? Sex After 70

27. Artist, Inventor, Genius: How to Think Like Leonardo (DiCaprio)

28. Buy Low, Eat Crayons: Stock Market Advice From a Retarded Person

29. The Three Numbers That Just Might Help You Win Powerball

30. Breaking the Yeast Curse With Deepak Chopra

31. The Joy of Grave Robbing

32. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex but Were Tasered for Asking Previously

33. Loving What the Hell’s Her Name? A Guide for the Parent of the Unexceptional Child

34. Conquer Loneliness … One Flamboyant Moustache Style at a Time

35. The South Coney Island Beach Diet

36. gary iz a fag: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls

37. I’m Okay, You’re Suffering From an Incredibly Rare Strain of Tuberculosis

38. Children’s Unopened and Unanswered Letters to God

39. The Elusive Male Orgasm

40. tracy u need to get YOUR OWN MAN cuz you a skank!: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls for Women

41. Conflict Resolution, the Pol Pot Way

42. “I’ll Give You Something to Cry About”: Insights and Inspiration From Alcoholic Dads

43. Steroids Made Easy!

44. 12 Days to a Thinner, Weirder-Looking Penis

45. 20 Places to Visit Before They’re Ethnically Cleansed

46. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (And It’s All Small Stuff), Unless You’re Reading This in a Burn Unit

47. The Child of Your Field Hockey Coach Has Two Mommies

48. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amputation

49. Zen and the Art of the Segway Personal Transporter Maintenance

50. So, You’re Attracted to Grandma