BROOKE BACK, IN ANGER

Know why Brooke Shields decided that Tom Cruise had to be stopped? Bravo, bigshot. Now try our trivia challenge.

1. The Globe reports Brooke Shields is furious with Tom Cruise. Why?

    • A. She had planned on dating Katie Holmes to boost ticket sales for her appearance in the West End production of

Chicago

    • .

 

    • B. He blasted her use of antidepressants in order to fight postpartum depression.

 

    • C. He accidently knocked out her front teeth during a recent karate kick of hetero joy.

 

    • D. He told Brooke her best work was playing a twelve-year-old prostitute in

Pretty Baby.

    E. He’s very, very short.

 

 

2. The National Enquirer reports Brooke lashed back at Tom by saying what?

    • A. “F you and the West Hollywood wrestler you rode in on.”

 

    • B. “Tom Cruise should stick to saving the world from aliens.”

 

    • C. “Liberace called – he wants his bejeweled codpiece back.”

 

    • D. “May you fall into the volcano on the cover of

Dianetics

    • !”

 

    • E. “Hey Tom—how are you? You look terrific! No, I

mean

    •  it—you’ve never looked better!”

 

    F. “Grow, jerkface.”

 

3. According to In Touch, Julia Roberts is such a huge fan of musician Dave Matthews that she did what?

 

 

    • A. Named her daughter Hazel after an obscure Dave Matthews Band B-side.

 

    • B. Sang his songs to her unborn twins while they were still in the womb.

 

    • C. Lifted her top in the band’s direction at a recent Denver show.

 

    • D. Is underwriting a Mike Farrell-hosted PBS documentary on the band.

 

    • E. Doodled DM + JR all over the script of her new animated movie,

Ant Bully

    .

 

 

4. According to the New York Daily News’ Rush & Molloy, British tabloids are scandalized over soccer-star David Beckham’s 2-year-old son, Romeo’s, newest accessory. What is it?

    • A. His own chauffeur driven Bentley.

 

    • B. A diamond stud in his ear.

 

    • C. A tattoo of the Cliff Richard on his chest.

 

    • D. An anatomically correct Ginger Spice plush toy.

 

    E. A clip-on mullet

 

 

5. What is the actual name of a new menu item at Hamasaku, a Japanese restaurant in West Los Angeles renowned for naming dishes after celebrities?

    • A. Charlize Taco

 

    • B. General Cher’s Chicken

 

    • C. Pecan Sandler

 

    • D. Teriyaki Hatcher Stir Fry

 

    • E. Iceberg with Vilanch dressing

 

    F. J. Lo Mein

 

 

6. According to Star magazine, Ashton Kutcher wants to undergo which surgical procedure:

    • A. Have his wisdom teeth put back into his mouth to make him smart again.

 

    • B. Have his toes unwebbed.

 

    • C. Have three inches removed from his unusually large penis.

 

    • D. He wants to actually be joined to Demi Moore’s hip.

 

    • E. He wants a trucker cap permanently stitched into skull.

 

    F. He wants to see what all the fuss is about regarding “euthanasia.”

 

 

7. What farm-related beauty regimen does Star magazine report is Jennifer Garner’s new trick to having glowing skin?

    • A. She applies a farmer’s cream intended for cow-udders.

 

    • B. She rubs down her cheekbones with live chickens.

 

    • C. Twice-a-day application of fresh farmer sperm.

 

    • D. Pig-entrail wrap every day of the week.

 

    • E. An invigorating sheep turd lather.

 

    F. Jams gardening hoe into forehead each night before going to bed.

 

 

8. According to the National EnquirerLas Vegas star Josh Duhamel was recently spotted at Target doing what?

    • A. Hovering creepily in the underwear section before finally selecting a three-pack of low-cut tigerskin bikini briefs.

 

    • B. Hurling shirts and board-shorts to the floor and forcing his personal assistants to pick them up.

 

    • C. Buying a gross of adult diapers.

 

    • D. Doing squats and push-ups in the sporting section.

 

    • E. Helping a lost five-year-old boy find his mommy.

 

    • F. Running up the down escalator

 

    much to the chagrin of security guards.

 

 

9. According to the Globe how are ER producers trying to keep their show on the air?

    • A. Shutting down the Chicago hospital and relocating the doctors to a space station.

 

    • B. Bringing back Anthony Edwards, whose character was killed by a brain tumor three years ago.

 

    • C. Casting a pair of real Siamese twins as recurring characters next season.

 

    • D. Adding Howie Mandel. The demo loves those rubber glove jokes!

 

    • E. Cleaning NBC president Jeff Zucker’s pool on weekends.

 

    F. Adding some dance numbers.

 

 

10. Which two things did actor Matthew McConaughey actually say in a recent interview with the Globe?

    • A. “Women have always kind of liked me.”

 

    • B. “I like eating tacos.

Fish

    •  tacos—if you catch my drift.”

 

    • C. “It’s embarrassing to talk about, but I know I’m not ugly.”

 

    • D. “The central theme of James Joyce’s

Finnegans Wake

    •  is that history is cyclical.”

 

    • E. “There’s nothing like watching the waves crash along the shore while drinking a tasty Löwenbräu.”

 

    • F. “I wish it were physically possible to

actually

     fuck myself.”

 

 

11. According to the National Enquirer, how did O.J. Simpson react to discovering that his daughter might be on drugs?

    • A. He introduced her to his close friend Mr. Knife.

 

    • B. He asked if she was holding.

 

    • C. He lectured her about her grades.

 

    • D. He said, “It’s okay, sweetie. If my father murdered my mother, I’d be a drug addict, too.”

 

    • E. He watched

The Naked Gun

    •  to remind himself of the brighter sides of life.

 

    F. He had a heart-to-heart with her while throwing a football back and forth.

 

 

In Touch issued a special report on the most ridiculous celebrity backstage and set requests. Match the star with their recent demand.

    • 12. Sharon Stone

 

    • 13. Christina Aguilera

 

    • 14. Jennifer Lopez

 

    • 15. Elton John

 

    16. P. Diddy

 

 

    • A. Twenty buckets of KFC and 25 hamburgers.

 

    • B. A Cadillac with a nonsmoking chauffeur for the Pilates instructor.

 

    • C. Bottles of Cristal iced for at least 20 minutes.

 

    • D. Only male drivers.

 

    • E. No chrysanthemums, lilies, carnations, or daisies.

 

    F. A freshy shampooed chimpanzee, a bottle of Chivas, and an Al B. Sure!’s Greatest Hits CD.