CHOMPING AT THE BITS

Andy Milonakis, the latest ingredient in MTV’s “Sunday Stew,” has some critics choking on his comedic taste.

Back in 2003, when his self-made video, The Super Bowl Is Gay, first started bouncing around cyberspace, Andy Milonakis was just another 27-year-old network administrator at a midtown Manhattan accounting firm with an amateur online comedy career, a growth disorder that made him look like he was 12, and the conviction that, among other things, the Super Bowl is gay.

Today, at 29, he is beyond question the most successful adult comedian who looks like an overweight teenager in America, if not the world. Milonakis, whose internet stardom led first to regular appearances on Jimmy Kimmel and then to the eponymous sketch show now in the middle of its first season on MTV, is kind of like Andy Kaufman for the ADD generation: Bits sometimes run for five seconds, during which Milonakis turns a light switch on and off while his cat appears and disappears and the viewer wonders whether he is an indescribable comic genius or simply a complete idiot. Either way, Radar Online popped some Ritalin and got on the phone with Milonakis to explore today’s hottest issues: how to win at thumb wrestling, the pleasures of Miami Vice, and the awesomeness of ninjas.

RADAR ONLINE: On your blog you once wrote: “Frogs have crazy personalities, one minute they are sad, the next they are happy, sometimes they act standoffish around lizards but are very welcoming around bugs, especially ones they want to eat.” Given all that, how froglike would you say you are?

ANDY MILONAKIS: I don’t know, frogs are very crazy creatures. I’m more like a hyper little puppy dog. I don’t like standoffish people.

You’re more likely to hump a stranger’s leg than be standoffish?

Yeah, you know the old cartoon with the big dog and the little yappy dog running all around him? He’s like [Here Andy does a high-pitched, yappy bark]. I’m kind of like that.

So far, reviews for the show have been mixed. One New York newspaper called it “random” and “pointless.” Others have compared it to bad public access TV.

Well, random and pointless is a great review for our show. That’s exactly how I would describe the show. Bad public access? I don’t know if I agree with that. A lot of it looks like that, but that’s how we want it to look.

Is there a reality show that hasn’t been made that you would like to see?

It would probably be boring for most people, but I’d like to see a reality show about a real family. You do a whole season of their life and they have no idea they’re on it, and at the end you get them to sign a release to do it. Because so many reality shows are so fake—just people mugging and whoring for the camera and creating drama.

Ninjas: awesome or lame?

Ninjas are awesome because they can protect me from other ninjas who don’t like me, and no one else could protect me from ninjas that don’t like me better than ninjas that do like me.

So there are known ninjas out there that don’t like you currently?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can’t really tell you more about it because they never get close enough to me for me to be able to tell you anything about them. Just all of a sudden I see someone jump out of the bushes and fight someone off. Then I’m like: “All right. Thanks, ninja who likes me for protecting me from the ninja that doesn’t like me.” And then they’re like: “Woooord up!” And then they jump away.

What is your worst vice?

My worst vice? Vice City. Does it have to have vice in the name?

No, it could be like smoking cigarettes, or crystal meth, or whatever.

Um…Miami Vice. Oh, wait, it doesn’t have to have vice in it, right? Vice grips. [Laughs]

How about your worst vice without the word vice involved?

Um…Miami Vice!

Who would you least like to face in a thumb wrestling competition?

Joey Johnson. I’ve been friends with him for 10 years. He has 10 thumbs. Or this guy named Nick-Nack, he always raps a lot when I’m trying to thumb wrestle him. He distracts me. He’s like: “Yo, yo, check it out, your thumb is ugly, I don’t know thugs.”

You yourself do quite a bit of freestyle rapping on the show. Can you give us a quick sample of your skills?

It’s kind of weird on the phone. I can try, though. If I do a really good one I’m gonna be like, “You got served,” at the end. Okay: You know, my hair is kind of messy/’cause I’m sweaty/I chill with Uncle Trech—ah, fuck, see? I already fucked up, man. One more time. I’m gonna use the same lines to start it so I can get into gear. Yo, my hair is kind of messy/Don’t sweat me/I chill with Uncle Jesse/Yo, he’s a yeti/I don’t care, I eat spaghetti/And mixed with popcorn, yo, you’re gone/Yo, look at my headpiece, it’s fatter than your mother/Oh, no, I’m like your little brother, ’cause I’m fat and I eat cats/That’s right, sometimes I fuck rats/I kick bats in the anus/Yo, I’m kind of famous/’Cause I got a show on MTV/You can’t feed me anymore, ’cause I’m a little fat whore and I’m out the door/Yo, it’s 99-plus/Yo, I ride the bus ’cause I ain’t got a car/I’m gonna go real far like a shootin’ star/I don’t give a fuck about Hollywood/I’m going back to New York where the dogs bark. Yo, check it. Word up. You got served.