Who on Earth would sign a petition demanding more Matthew Perry? These people, that’s who.
Face it, few things in life are as satisfying as giving your all for a lost cause, whether noble (Adlai Stevenson, Gene McCarthy, Jeanine Pirro) or not so (legalizing pot, public nudity). Rallying the faithful around beloved TV series sentenced to premature cancellation may be the last bastion of the populist front for lost causes—remember all those anguished viewers convinced their lives would plunge into darkness without Beauty and the Beast or My So-Called Life or Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So it follows that nothing’s worse for the common good than a lost cause that, against all odds, is won. Take, for example, Fox’s amusing animated series The Family Guy.
You thought Rupert Murdoch’s network was atypically heroic, bringing Family Guy back from the dead after tens or possibly even scores of intrepid online whiners protested. Well, you were wrong. For the resurrection of The Family Guy gives untold millions of losers the idea that they actually stand a chance of being heard. The truth is, these people should not be encouraged. Because suddenly, there’s an online petition to save just about any idiotic idea you can think of. Some of them so idiotic they haven’t even been made into a TV series.
Yet.
Petition Title: Official Matthew Perry Website
To: Mr. Chandler Bing, himself.
What They Want: For far too long, web-using Friends fans have been without an official shrine, er, site, for their favorite former-pill-popping-now-disturbingly-ripped funnyman. (We’re talking about Matthew Perry here, though, yes, this also describes Carrot Top.) At least, so think the purveyors of fansite Imagining Matthew<www.imaginingmatthew.com>, who also volunteer their services to run the site.
Total Signatures: 299
Radar’s Take: Could Matthew Perry fans be any scarier? Especially Kare Kinsey, who seems to think that Mr. Perry is the victim of some sort of smear campaign, and is quite possibly off her meds? We say no. So we signed the thing. Just in case.
Title: Kevin Alexander Clark is Hot
To: Who’s to say, really?
What They Want: They think Kevin Alexander Clark, the kid who played drums in Jack Black’s School of Rock, is v. hot, and that this needs to be more widely recognized.
Signatures: 146
Radar’s Take: Neither Kevin Alexander Clark’s fans nor his detractors seems to understand the difference between an online petition and an online forum. We also suspect that Bryony doesn’t really know what goes on between the “in a room alone” part and the “his babies” part. And we know that it’s really not appropriate for us to voice an opinion on the hotness of adolescents, so we decided not to sign. Kevin, you’re on your own, babe.
Petition Title: All We Want is for the Rabbit to Eat
To: General Mills
What They Want: Anyone who grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons knows exactly what these people want: for the damn kids to stop torturing that poor, gay rabbit and finally let him have his way with some fruity Trix.
Signatures: 2072
Sample Comments:
14. Vu Tong You know, i thought about it and it really sucks. Come on, give the rabbit a fuckin’ break. The rabbit needs to give those little pesky kids an ass-whoopin’.
329. Jesse Mateja Those Trix commercials are the WORST COMMERCIALS EVER! I have bunnies of my own and I have to change the channel whenever those damn commercials come on because they get upset! I’ll never support a company that is cruel to animals. Eat my shit General Mills!
1206. Liz Brown It was cute at first but kids need to learn to share.
2043. Navid P. Damnit! It’s not funny anymore. Give the rabbit his Trix.
Radar’s Take: Wow. This brings back those heretofore repressed feelings of frustration and rage we felt out of empathy with the poor rabbit. Plus, the lissome lapineis obviously gay, and these commercials have been blatantly promoting the homophobic agenda for years. “Trix are for kids,” our ass. Trix are for everybody. We signed, and you’d better, too.
Petition Title: 64oz Malt Liquor
To: Major Beer Companies
What They Want: Malt liquor was once sold in 64 oz. bottles, because that was how much it took to get a good buzz on before puking. For reasons easily imagined, beer distributors decided this was wholly unnecessary. The petitioners, who call themselves the 40 oz. crew, strenuously disagree; they’ve got their own reasons, which, frankly, elude us.
Total Signatures: 5098, easily the largest we’ve seen.
Sample Comments:
99. Erin Barocca Sometimes I drink a 40, and i’m like “damn, I could use some more malt liquor.” thus, the 64oz. Bring it.
2823. Desi Romero IV I would love to have a 64oz. OE. That would mean that I would only have to drive to the store once.
4505. Bruce Lovely Bring it back or I’ll rape a dolphin
Radar’s Take: Well, sure. We completely concur that 40 oz. of malt liquor is no where near sufficient for a night of… doing whatever that hell one does over Olde English. But guys, come on. Just buy a 40 and a double-deuce. Yes, you lose 2 oz. in the exchange, but your yummy malt liquor won’t be piss-warm and flat when you get to your last 20 ounces. And if you buy both bottles during your first trip to the store, you only have to make one trip, genius. Still, we signed the petition: we mean, sheesh, dolphins?
Petition Title: A New Release Of Roxette
To: Per Gessle & Marie Fredriksson, aka Roxette
What They Want: Did you know that Roxette has been making music steadily through the 90’s and 00’s? Us, neither! But they have, and their nutty Swedish fans are still clamoring for more. Not only does signing this petition signify that you, too, want one more Roxette jam, but it will also “help us to show them how they´re important for us.” Awwww!
Total Signatures: 120. C’mon internet: you can do better than this.
Sample Comments:
37. Stefan Malmstedt I have always liked Roxette.
72. Micke Can I play the drums?
Radar’s Take: Seriously, who could be against this? And, maybe they’ll let everyone who signs the petition play percussion on the album. We totally signed. It must have been love/but it’s ov—er now…
Petition Title: Petition to Keep Underground Bands Underground
To: “Mainstream” radio stations, particularly 92.9 in Perth, Australia
What They Want: The undersigned would prefer that pop radio stations refrain from playing “underground” rock music, such as the petitioner’s favorite band, The Used.
Signatures: 179
Sample Comments:
2 Jinx Radio sucks. Keep the good music off it.
176 cat I hate it when underground goes main stream because then all the stupid spoiled preps like it because its on the radio. Then everyone knows the band and when that happens that really sucks.
Radar’s Take: Remember when you were 15, and your favorite obscure band got a video on MTV’s buzz bin, and then everyone started listening to them and you weren’t cool just for knowing about them anymore? Well this kid decided to do something about it, which is kind of brilliant. On the other hand, it’s also really retarded. Signature denied.
Petition Title: Are You For Or Against Jovialism?
To: The practicioners of Judaism, Christianity and Islam
What They Want: The petitioners, who are practicing “Jovialists,” believe that Muslims, Christians and Jews can’t all just get along so long as we all celebrate our Sabbaths on different days. Therefore, they endorse changing the official Sabbath of these three religions, and since they’ve selected “Thuesday” as their day of choice, they apparently endorse the creation of an entirely new day of the week. Ambitious folks, those Jovialists.
Signatures: Sadly, only 29
Sample Comments:
2. Thierry Dubois Tres bonne idee, two thumbs up!
17. Kevin Huang Nevers PhD/Cub Reporter I called the White House and Patent Office on 09/10/2001, because I thought I was about to be killed over my invention that should turn 10 watts electric input into @ 100 watts electric output, named the Cobalt 60 electric generator, the radioactive magnetron maser and the Thermionic Electron Electric Generator you see I am an independent inventor, an was a victim of City code violations and 10 lawsuits in 14 months (fine request of upto $250,000) being a landlord and welfare reforms I started my 1st invention, in October 1996, named a Microwave Hot Water Boiler Heating System, 2 weeks later the lawsuits started..lasting mainly from 1996-2000……..by 2001 I was a mental wreck….then trying to make my Microwave’s magnetron cost effective……I developed the Thermionic Electron Electric Generator, with increased Thermionic Emissions and filed a Patent on 06/04/2001I developed and filed 8-10 patent applications between 1997-2000…some are being pirated now. kmnevers@earthlink.net
Radar’s Take: We’re going to go out on a limb here, and come down firmly behind world peace, but frankly, we’re just not convinced these nutty Jovialists are up to the task. It’s probably this whole “Thuesday” thing, which our best guess is a mysterious cross between Tuesday and Thursday, that somehow manages to avoid being Wednesday.