ENTERTAINMENT REPORT

• Irish rock band U2, in New York for a seven night stretch at Madison Square Garden, will completely take over the Conan O’Brien show tomorrow night. It’ll be just like that time, when you were little, your dad killed joy and made you go to bed before Johnny Carson. [NYDN]

• Roland Emmerich, the man who brought you such triumphs as The Patriot and Godzilla, is working on a project called 10,000 B.C. The movie will be about a Neanderthal and a wooly mammoth. Sources say Emmerich was inspired to set his next project in prehistoric times upon realizing his idiotic, wooden, sub-George Lucas dialogue would sound appropriate coming from a still-evolving humanoid. [Reuters]

• A set of covers by Ozzy Osbourne will hit shelves in early November. The disc is mainly made up of classic rock songs. Listen as some of John Lennon’s most beautiful, heart-wrenching lyrics become incomprehensible hogwash as they’re sputtered out of Ozzy’s increasingly disobedient brain and mouth. [Billboard]

• Shaquille O’Neal and Dr. Phil will appear together in the opening sequence of Scary Movie 4. Looks like all the patience and discipline that Shaq had waiting for a script to turn out worse than Shazaam has finally paid off.

ENTERTAINMENT REPORT

• Irish rock band U2, in New York for a seven night stretch at Madison Square Garden, will completely take over the Conan O’Brien show tomorrow night. It’ll be just like that time, when you were little, your dad killed joy and made you go to bed before Johnny Carson. [NYDN]

• Roland Emmerich, the man who brought you such triumphs as The Patriot and Godzilla, is working on a project called 10,000 B.C. The movie will be about a Neanderthal and a wooly mammoth. Sources say Emmerich was inspired to set his next project in prehistoric times upon realizing his idiotic, wooden, sub-George Lucas dialogue would sound appropriate coming from a still-evolving humanoid. [Reuters]

• A set of covers by Ozzy Osbourne will hit shelves in early November. The disc is mainly made up of classic rock songs. Listen as some of John Lennon’s most beautiful, heart-wrenching lyrics become incomprehensible hogwash as they’re sputtered out of Ozzy’s increasingly disobedient brain and mouth. [Billboard]

• Shaquille O’Neal and Dr. Phil will appear together in the opening sequence of Scary Movie 4. Looks like all the patience and discipline that Shaq had waiting for a script to turn out worse than Shazaam has finally paid off. [Coming Soon] (LH)

BREAKING! PLAME INDICTMENTS IMMINENT

EXCLUSIVE: The D.C. rumor mill is thrumming with whispers that 22 indictments are about to be handed down on the outed-CIA agent Valerie Plame case. The last time the wires buzzed this loud — that Tom DeLay would be indicted and would step down from his leadership post in the House — the scuttlebutters got it right.

Can it be a coincidence that the White House appears to be distancing President Bush from embattled aide Karl Rove? “He’s been missing in action at more than one major presidential event,” a member of the White House press corps tells us.

If the word on the street is right a second time, we have a bit of advice for Rove: Go with vertical stripes, they’re way more slimming.

ENTERTAINMENT REPORT

• Irish rock band U2, in New York for a seven night stretch at Madison Square Garden, will completely take over the Conan O’Brien show tomorrow night. It’ll be just like that time, when you were little, your dad killed joy and made you go to bed before Johnny Carson. [NYDN]

• Roland Emmerich, the man who brought you such triumphs as The Patriot and Godzilla, is working on a project called 10,000 B.C. The movie will be about a Neanderthal and a wooly mammoth. Sources say Emmerich was inspired to set his next project in prehistoric times upon realizing his idiotic, wooden, sub-George Lucas dialogue would sound appropriate coming from a still-evolving humanoid. [Reuters]

• A set of covers by Ozzy Osbourne will hit shelves in early November. The disc is mainly made up of classic rock songs. Listen as some of John Lennon’s most beautiful, heart-wrenching lyrics become incomprehensible hogwash as they’re sputtered out of Ozzy’s increasingly disobedient brain and mouth. [Billboard]

• Shaquille O’Neal and Dr. Phil will appear together in the opening sequence of Scary Movie 4. Looks like all the patience and discipline that Shaq had waiting for a script to turn out worse than Shazaam has finally paid off. [Coming Soon] (LH)

BREAKING! PLAME INDICTMENTS IMMINENT

EXCLUSIVE: The D.C. rumor mill is thrumming with whispers that 22 indictments are about to be handed down on the outed-CIA agent Valerie Plame case. The last time the wires buzzed this loud — that Tom DeLay would be indicted and would step down from his leadership post in the House — the scuttlebutters got it right.

Can it be a coincidence that the White House appears to be distancing President Bush from embattled aide Karl Rove? “He’s been missing in action at more than one major presidential event,” a member of the White House press corps tells us.

If the word on the street is right a second time, we have a bit of advice for Rove: Go with vertical stripes, they’re way more slimming.

Update: Ooh, look: a very convenient distraction!

Update: The plot thickens: US Officials Brace for Decisions in CIA Leak Case. [Reuters]

PARIS: WHO’S NEXT?

The end of Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis’s engagement didn’t come as any surprise to anyone who’s been following the tabloids. A few weeks ago she was rumored to be dating her producer, Scott Storch. Yesterday the New York Post reported she’d stolen Mary-Kate Olsen’s boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Nachios. We’re thinking, though, she could get a little bit more strategic about her choices — and so we’ve compiled a helpful, little list of men who may or may not be right for her. (Doree Shafrir)

Jeb Bush, Jr., 21, college senior
Pros: Political connections.
Cons: Was caught getting busy a Tallahassee parking lot when he was 16, which might hit a little too close to home (though it wasn’t caught on video).
We say: Does Paris know who President Bush is?

Dave Zinczenko, 36, Men’s Health editor
Pros: Experience dating celebrities, great abs.
Cons: Obsessed with abs.
We say: She may be too unhealthy for him.

Donald Trump Jr., 27, real estate scion
Pros: Unrivaled access to New York real estate.
Cons: He’s engaged.
We say: Trump Sr. may not appreciate someone who gets more publicity than he does.

Bow Wow, 18, rapper
Pros: Street cred, could expand Paris’s popularity in the urban youth market.
Cons: She’s rumored to have used the N-word in the past.
We say: Paris should start working on a hip-hop album.

Adam Brody, 25, O.C. star
Pros: Indie-rock cred. Could expand Paris’s popularity in the hipster market.
Cons: Still dating Rachel Bilson.
We say: Guys with girlfriends have never been a problem for her in the past.

THE ‘WULF IS ON FIRE

Everyone knows epic poetry never really died. Ya herd? Well, it has been a while since your grade school English teacher made you memorize lines from Beowulf. But Hollywood and Broadway are all over Da Wulf. Robert Zemeckis is shooting the film adaptation of the classic from 1100 AD work. Crispin Glover plays Grendel. Malkovich plays Malkovich playing someone. And Angelina Jolie plays the voice of someone hot. It’ll be huge when it drops in ’07 — Maybe Jamie Foxx will do the soundtrack.

Now, the Irish Repertory Theatre is turning “Beowulf” into a modern rock opera. We’re not exactly sure why — could be the phrase “rock opera” or the fact that Beowulf inspires a certain 12-sided-die aesthetic — but this one seems ripe for ex-members of Rush, Styx, or Asia.

We see Geddy Lee as Beowulf, Don Dokken as Grendel, and naturally, the ghost of Freddie Mercury as the Queen. (TG)

QUID PRO HARRIET?

In the simple world of payoffs, the maxim goes as follows: If someone knows lots of embarrasing shit about you, give ‘em a great job to cork their blab-hole. This is emerging as the clearest reason why George W. gave Harriet Miers the Supreme Court nomination.

Miers was evidently paid $19,000 to “review” W’s war-time service records. As a great deal of these records have gone “missing” we must be confused as to the meaning of the word “review.” Keep in mind that Miers is also the brainbox who pronounced W the most brilliant man she’s ever known. Wonder how much that bit of praise cost him? Is Miers driving a new car these days?

Well, it looks like Miers confirmation hearings just got a lot more interesting. We’re sure the Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee are licking their fat faces (Kennedy, I’m looking at you buddy) to get at Miers. The question is what will the Republicans do: ask the tough, tough questions Miers deserves or just chill and enjoy their commutes home in their new Rolls Royces? (Adam Morgan)

ENTERTAINMENT REPORT

• Irish rock band U2, in New York for a seven night stretch at Madison Square Garden, will completely take over the Conan O’Brien show tomorrow night. It’ll be just like that time, when you were little, your dad killed joy and made you go to bed before Johnny Carson. [NYDN]

• Roland Emmerich, the man who brought you such triumphs as The Patriot and Godzilla, is working on a project called 10,000 B.C. The movie will be about a Neanderthal and a wooly mammoth. Sources say Emmerich was inspired to set his next project in prehistoric times upon realizing his idiotic, wooden, sub-George Lucas dialogue would sound appropriate coming from a still-evolving humanoid. [Reuters]

• A set of covers by Ozzy Osbourne will hit shelves in early November. The disc is mainly made up of classic rock songs. Listen as some of John Lennon’s most beautiful, heart-wrenching lyrics become incomprehensible hogwash as they’re sputtered out of Ozzy’s increasingly disobedient brain and mouth. [Billboard]

• Shaquille O’Neal and Dr. Phil will appear together in the opening sequence of Scary Movie 4. Looks like all the patience and discipline that Shaq had waiting for a script to turn out worse than Shazaam has finally paid off. [Coming Soon] (LH)

BREAKING! PLAME INDICTMENTS IMMINENT

EXCLUSIVE: The D.C. rumor mill is thrumming with whispers that 22 indictments are about to be handed down on the outed-CIA agent Valerie Plame case. The last time the wires buzzed this loud — that Tom DeLay would be indicted and would step down from his leadership post in the House — the scuttlebutters got it right.

Can it be a coincidence that the White House appears to be distancing President Bush from embattled aide Karl Rove? “He’s been missing in action at more than one major presidential event,” a member of the White House press corps tells us.

If the word on the street is right a second time, we have a bit of advice for Rove: Go with vertical stripes, they’re way more slimming.

Update: Ooh, look: a very convenient distraction!

Update: The plot thickens: US Officials Brace for Decisions in CIA Leak Case. [Reuters]

PARIS: WHO’S NEXT?

The end of Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis’s engagement didn’t come as any surprise to anyone who’s been following the tabloids. A few weeks ago she was rumored to be dating her producer, Scott Storch. Yesterday the New York Post reported she’d stolen Mary-Kate Olsen’s boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Nachios. We’re thinking, though, she could get a little bit more strategic about her choices — and so we’ve compiled a helpful, little list of men who may or may not be right for her. (Doree Shafrir)

Jeb Bush, Jr., 21, college senior
Pros: Political connections.
Cons: Was caught getting busy a Tallahassee parking lot when he was 16, which might hit a little too close to home (though it wasn’t caught on video).
We say: Does Paris know who President Bush is?

Dave Zinczenko, 36, Men’s Health editor
Pros: Experience dating celebrities, great abs.
Cons: Obsessed with abs.
We say: She may be too unhealthy for him.

Donald Trump Jr., 27, real estate scion
Pros: Unrivaled access to New York real estate.
Cons: He’s engaged.
We say: Trump Sr. may not appreciate someone who gets more publicity than he does.

Bow Wow, 18, rapper
Pros: Street cred, could expand Paris’s popularity in the urban youth market.
Cons: She’s rumored to have used the N-word in the past.
We say: Paris should start working on a hip-hop album.

Adam Brody, 25, O.C. star
Pros: Indie-rock cred. Could expand Paris’s popularity in the hipster market.
Cons: Still dating Rachel Bilson.
We say: Guys with girlfriends have never been a problem for her in the past.

THE ‘WULF IS ON FIRE

Everyone knows epic poetry never really died. Ya herd? Well, it has been a while since your grade school English teacher made you memorize lines from Beowulf. But Hollywood and Broadway are all over Da Wulf. Robert Zemeckis is shooting the film adaptation of the classic from 1100 AD work. Crispin Glover plays Grendel. Malkovich plays Malkovich playing someone. And Angelina Jolie plays the voice of someone hot. It’ll be huge when it drops in ’07 — Maybe Jamie Foxx will do the soundtrack.

Now, the Irish Repertory Theatre is turning “Beowulf” into a modern rock opera. We’re not exactly sure why — could be the phrase “rock opera” or the fact that Beowulf inspires a certain 12-sided-die aesthetic — but this one seems ripe for ex-members of Rush, Styx, or Asia.

We see Geddy Lee as Beowulf, Don Dokken as Grendel, and naturally, the ghost of Freddie Mercury as the Queen. (TG)

 

  • ‘Beowulf’ Turned Into Modern Rock Opera [AP]

QUID PRO HARRIET?

In the simple world of payoffs, the maxim goes as follows: If someone knows lots of embarrasing shit about you, give ‘em a great job to cork their blab-hole. This is emerging as the clearest reason why George W. gave Harriet Miers the Supreme Court nomination.

Miers was evidently paid $19,000 to “review” W’s war-time service records. As a great deal of these records have gone “missing” we must be confused as to the meaning of the word “review.” Keep in mind that Miers is also the brainbox who pronounced W the most brilliant man she’s ever known. Wonder how much that bit of praise cost him? Is Miers driving a new car these days?

Well, it looks like Miers confirmation hearings just got a lot more interesting. We’re sure the Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee are licking their fat faces (Kennedy, I’m looking at you buddy) to get at Miers. The question is what will the Republicans do: ask the tough, tough questions Miers deserves or just chill and enjoy their commutes home in their new Rolls Royces? (Adam Morgan)

 

  • Miers Makes Courtesy Calls to Senators [LA Times]

DAILY DIRT: LOHAN AVOIDS LACERATION

• Lindsay Lohan was involved in another paparazzi-induced car crash; the actress was swarmed by some thirty-odd photogs while shopping in West Hollywood, and managed to smash a van with her Benz convertible while fleeing the scene. According to witnesses, Lohan was “shaken” and “upset;” one even referred to her as “poor girl,” once again proving that Lohan’s acting ability remains far from fully exploited in her big-screen work. [CBS News]

• Jamie Foxx is still upset that he was subjected to so much racism as a star football player growing up in Texas. So much for the traditional Texan political hierarchy, which places star high school athletes immediately between whichever Bush male has the least dribble on his chin and Davvy Crocket’s next of kin. [Page Six]

• Just because you’ve left the Spears/Federline inner-circle doesn’t mean you’ve left the sleaze behind, too. A member of Brit and Kevin’s former posse is peddling a sex tape filmed when Britney was just a bit preggers. A screening of the tape for the couple’s lawyers reportedly provoked laughter, digust, and enough flopsweat to hydrate southern Ethiopia for a week and a half. [Page Six]

• How cute! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are immersed in their first lovers’ quarrel; naturally, it’s playing out in gossip rags countrywide. It seems Cruise and Katie can’t decided where to get married. Katie is pushing for Paris, while Cruise is settled on that place he visits at night where people actually like the Mission: Impossible series, where goblets are filled with the blood of Freudian psycholanalysts, and everyone knows he’s a hundred percent, totally not gay. [Star Magazine] (LH/DH)

THE DAILY SHOW OF NEPOTISM

Sure, it may not be quite on the same level as Bush clan nepotism, but we found it awfully interesting that last night’s episode of The Daily Show marked the debut of Nate Corddry, little brother of Rob. In a segment about the supposed uproar surrounding the arrival of the battleship USS Iowa to the anti-war San Francisco bay, the 28-year old interviewed city legislators and local gays about the controversy surrounding the ship and a local group’s desire to open a gays in the military museum on deck. And while the back and forth was pretty funny, what fake news correspondent qualifications does Nate really have?

A little research shows that the Weymouth, MA native once played Benjamin in a revival of The Graduate and has appeared on an episode of the soap Guiding Light. But that that hardly makes him an Ed Helms or Stephen Colbert in our book. And Nate isn’t even the only relation trying to make it on the show: Samantha Bee’s husband, Jason Jones, also tried out last week on an episode about Arabian horse shows. It appears Jon Stewart and Co. are in the midst of new correspondent auditions, presumably to replace Colbert before his new show debuts Oct. 17, but do these fake news legacies have what it takes? Answers, dammit. We demand answers. (JB)

DISCOUNT OPPRESSION

“Welcome to Wal-Mart, how can I violate your rights today?”

Chances are that no official store greeters will welcome you into Wal-Mart’s massive confines with these words — but maybe they should? It wasn’t so long ago that the retailing behemoth was abusing only immigrant labor — and sticking it to Mom-and-Pop stores everywhere. No longer content with that, the Arkansas-based chain has taken to snooping on its customers and informing on them to the Feds.

A student at Currituck County High School, in North Carolina, was completing his civics assignment by demonstrating some of his rights — in this case, his right to express dismay with George W. Bush. To do so, he put a thumb tack through a photo of W’s head and then snapped a picture of it beside his own Ebert-style thumbs-down. Wal-Mart’s film development department was so taken aback with such unabashed freedom of expression that it did what any predatory retailer with a psychopathic streak and a cozy business relationship with the Red Chinese would do: contact the U.S. Secret Service.

With such a responsive private sector fingering the terrorists among us, who needs the Homeland Security Department anymore? (Adam Morgan)