THIS IS AWKWARD

You only get one chance to make a first impression. We recommend you avoid the following icebreakers…

1. “You might recognize me from your window.”
2. “You’re not going to believe how many pig anuses the average hot dog contains.”
3. “Quick: Name your top five favorite Phil Collins tunes.”
4. “This bar used to be cool. Now it’s mostly losers.”
5. “I read the most interesting story today on the E! Channel news scroll.”
6. “Do you come to this hospital chapel often?”
7. “Who do I have to fuck at this party to find out where to take a shit?”
8. “Is it hot in here, or is my body just completely covered in petroleum jelly?”
9. “I can see you’re not one of those ‘shallow’ people who’s super-concerned about appearance.”
10. “Listen, my daughter needs a kidney real bad.”
11. “Ladies and gentlemen! Everyone on the Evite list has become the hunted!”
12. “Guess which part of me is prosthetic.”
13. “It. Is. Nice. To. Meet. You. Human. Master. I. Am. Going. To. Speak. Like. A. Robot. For. The. Entire. Evening. Bloop.”
14. “Want to hear a joke? Okay, first I have to know if anyone here is Jewish, gay, or a raccoon that’s recently been drugged or sodomized.”
15. “Can you see my junk through these jeans? No? How about now?”
16. “Ordinarily, I’m not the type to just walk over and chitchat with a total stranger. Bye.”
17. “Let’s talk about knives.”
18. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t the guy who took the last Zima!”
19. “Sit back, relax, and allow me to explain the importance of composting.”
20. “Isn’t this place fabulous? Wouldn’t you just love to die here?”
21. “No fucking Fritos. I knew it!”
22. “Were those earrings given to you by a pimp because you’re his favorite baby doll?”
23. “Don’t worry, it’s not poisonous. But the more you scream, the more it’s going to attack.”
24. “Tell me honestly: Do I look like a rapist to you?”
25. “I’m not one to brag, but I live in one of the largest houseboats on Lake Minnetonka.”
26. “I don’t really see why we need art.”
27–31. “Know what would be cool? …” (27) “Freebasing.” (28) “To leave this joint and go camping in the desert.” (29) “A loofah rubdown.” (30) “Sharing our feelings.” (31) “Blood atonement.”
32. “Bulimia. Pro or con?”
33. “These look like lice, right? Apparently, they’re just chiggers.”
34. “They can quarantine me all they want, but I ain’t wearing no face mask.”
35. “I’m feeling a little crazy tonight. Anyone want to stage a Jonestown reenactment with me?”
36. “You really need to get gastric bypass surgery. Like, today.”
37. “What’s your dream toothpaste?”
38. “I’m Jim Kramer”
39. “Man! Why won’t this DJ play some George Thorogood already?”
40. “Listen, I know neither of us is racist, but humor me for a second…”
41. “Hewwo. I’m vewy, vewy sad.”
42. “I think you and I should put on Tron suits and pop a handful of these pink pills.”
43. “I know what you’re thinking, and yes, the picture on my profile was taken before the accident.”
44. “Here’s the thing about Mind of Mencia: Everyone else thinks it, but Carlos Mencia says it. I’ll give you 12 examples…”
45. “What’s your opinion of the so-called Holocaust?”
46. “If I happen to pass out, don’t panic. I was up all night playing Brick Breaker.”
47. “Tonight’s unseasonably cool weather is all the proof I need that global warming is a hoax.”
48. “What’s your favorite Pat Sajak moment?”
49. “Binaca blast?”
50. “This party reminds me of 9/11.”