A NICOLE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

Is Nicole Kidman the only earthling not talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? Readers who snapped up the latest issue of Vanity Fair based on the cover’s promise that the famously robotic actress “bares her soul about…Tom’s new flame” were disappointed to find the profile contained only one non-quote about her ex’s mystical romance: “In terms of your life, if you start to exploit it, then what’s real, what’s not?” The reason for Kidman’s Koan-like comment, according to a friend of the actress, is that she’s still very much under contract when it comes to talking about Tom—on the record, at least.

“Part of their [heavily-negotiated] divorce agreement is that he doesn’t speak about her and she doesn’t speak about him,” the friend notes. “And when she has spoken of him, she’s gotten some very nasty letters from his attorneys, who, as everyone knows, he keeps on speed dial.”

Still, she hasn’t exactly been staying silent. When the National Enquirer published its latest cover story—”Nicole’s War With Tom and Katie”—sources at the tab say Kidman’s publicist, Catherine Olim, threatened legal action until second-hand quotes attributed to Kidman were watered down to a point where she couldn’t be sued for breach of contract.

“Tom controlled his marriage to Nicole with an iron hand, and she’s still terrified to tangle with him,” says the friend. Of course, Kidman’s real thoughts on the relationship are hardly surprising: while she says she could “care less” about Cruise’s new “relationship,” she’s less than thrilled with his over-the-top antics, says our source. “She thinks he’s acting like a jackass half the time and a Scientology zealot the other half.” Maybe she’s not a cyborg after all.

Previously: $cientology Truth or Dare!
Cruise Encounters of the Third Kind
Katie Holmes’ Magical ‘Best Friend’
Reader’s Digest on Cruise Control
Ground Control to Major Tom

NICE DAY FOR A WHITESELL WEDDING

Forget TomKat, Bennifer 2.0, and, uh, ParisParis—the hottest Hollywood wedding this summer is the August nuptials of Patrick Whitesell and Lauren Sanchez. Who, you feebly ask? The 40-year-old Endeavor agent Whitesell—long known as one of Tinseltown’s most active bachelors—and his FOX Entertainment reporter bride may not be household names, but they’re so entrenched in the L.A. scene that climbers on both coasts are practically killing each other for an invite to the $2 million Malibu wedding.

The guest list so far includes Whitesell clients Ben AffleckMatt Damon, and Jessica Alba; former carousing buddies Mike DeLuca and manager Rick Yorn; directors Steven Spielberg and Brett Ratner; and L.A.’s skirt-chasing chairman emiritus Robert Evans. “I know people who are planning their summer vacations around this wedding,” says a source close to the couple. “There’s this neurotic buzz in the air, like, if you’re not invited to this then you’re nobody.”

Whitesell, who previously dated New York celebutante Charlotte Ronson—she ended their relationship by “accidentally” running over his foot with his own car in 1998—has never been married before. Sanchez was once married to Kansas City Chiefs tight end Tony Gonzalez, with whom she has a 3-year-old son, Nikko. “This kind of attention to a non-celebrity wedding is unprecedented,” notes one observer. “I’ve never seen people so desperate to be invited in my life. I just got off the phone with a friend who called it The Academy Awards of weddings. She said she has to go so she can sell her script.” Someone should tell her it’s too late: The Wedding Crashers hits theaters this summer.