I JEW

Radar‘s single shiksa hunts for this year’s hot new accessory: a Jewish husband

The first time I met Christ Killer, he said, “You look like you should be wearing furry heels, eating bonbons with two little dogs. In bed.” In other words, Christ Killer, whose given name is David Abitbol, correctly identified me a shiksa: a Jesus-loving, non-Jewish woman whose Miller-Monroe fantasy currently poses the greatest threat to the chosen people.

Under his ominous moniker, Abitbol runs jewlicious.com. He lives in Israel and occasionally New York City, and has been known to enjoy a good shiksa here and there. Still, he was skeptical about assisting me in the noble and generations-old gentile pursuit of trying to land a Jewish husband. Good Jew that he is, Abitbol is concerned about the marriage crisis sweeping the nation, especially in New York City, and especially among Jews.

“The community is all up in arms about it,” he told me over hummus on St. Mark’s. “Jews aren’t getting married, or they’re waiting until much later to get married. The majority of Jews under 40 have never been married, which is a new trend. When you talk to men and women in New York, they say that it’s hard to find an appropriate Jewish mate. It’s bad for the continuity of the Jewish community, because if people are not getting married and creating family units, the Jewish population will shrink. That threatens the continued viability of the community. You’re already coming into a field that’s got a lot of competition.”

The marriage market is tough enough, but a shiksa looking for a Jewish husband is up against an entire culture rooting for her failure. Trimming the intermarriage rate is paramount to a number of associated Jewish federations that collect charitable donations and redistribute them as needed to Jews and non-Jews alike. Without a steady, generational replenishing of the culture, there would be no one for the federations to collect from. “What they’re doing now is spending a lot of money on Jewish singles programs,” Abitbol said. They will do anything in the world to get Jewish singles together and married.”

THE ORIGINAL SHIKSA GODDESS Marilyn Monroe on her wedding day to Arthur Miller

 

Unfortunately, no such programs exist to help Jews marry shiksas, save for good old-fashioned female ingenuity—and, of course, the sage advice of Jewish friends and associates. I told Abitbol that I was looking for a secular Jew, complete with all the tall, dark, and handsome, but without the pesky yarmulke or dentistry degree. I was looking for one of those “new Jews” you hear so much about; someone for whom Shabbat is an excuse to have a party and keeping kosher doesn’t interfere with dinner dates.

“Looking for a Jew without the inconvenient accoutrements is kind of bizarre, no?” Abitbol asked. “You basically have a type, but why does he have to be Jewish? I can tell you from experience that being Jewish is no guarantee of anything other than a circumcised cock. Many of the highly secular Jews that are in the target market are so assimilated that you may as well just date a non-Jew. These are complex and complicated matters indeed, and you may not fully understand what you’re getting yourself into.”

Oh, I think I knew. After all, Jewish men are expected to be educated, financially savvy, morally sound people. Why not exploit that stereotype for personal gain?