WHORE-LOVING GOVERNOR STILL CLINGING TO OFFICE

DUDE DIGS HOOKERS Spitzer (Photo: Getty Images)

Rumors continue to circulate that New York governor Eliot Spitzer will resign today, a victim of his insatiable lust for whores (some papers suggest that the governor has spent over $80 grand on prostitutes; a rough calculation based on the most recent rates Spitzer paid plus gratuituty puts that at approximately 40 ho hours). As Albany sits on its hands and waits for the inevitable, here’s what else is happening in the story:

 

• Spitzer hates condoms. (And, hey, who doesn’t, am I right… eh, sorry.) “One source said he wanted [a sex worker] to perform oral sex on him without the prophylactic. But the hooker, Kristen, apparently insisted on one, and he submitted to her request, according to court papers.”

• Classical music is the mood-establisher of choice for Northeastern governors who are about to consort with professional talent.

• It doesn’t matter how many state troopers you put on a guy; if he wants to bang a ho, he’s gonna find a way to bang a ho.

• “The many prosecutors and tribunals to hound the governor are in a position to seek punishments ranging from a felony conviction down to a day at ‘John School’— a program in Washington, D.C., for men caught soliciting prostitutes.” Oh my God, how great would that be?

• Human rights groups, who saw Spitzer as an ally in their battle against the degradations of the sex trade, are shocked and stunned that the governor turned out to be nailing prosties quicker than they could bus them in from Bosnia. [Also of note: “[T]he public imagines a huge divide between the kind of glamorous call girl depicted in a movie like ‘Pretty Woman,’ and the lurid, violent world of trafficked women in a film like ‘Eastern Promises.'” In reality, the odds of your getting a hooker who looks like Julia Roberts are pretty much commensurate to the odds of you yourself looking like Richard Gere.]

• Spitzer traveled “as far as Florida” to get him some sweet hooker action.

• Clients 1-8, 10 probably feeling a little apprehensive right now, and not just because they might have shared a prostitute who performed condomless sex acts with Eliot Spitzer.

• One of the principals in the prostitution ring whose hookers Eliot Spitzer had sex with “also operates a New Jersey-based business services firm called QAT Consulting Group that offers outsourced Web design and online marketing services.” How do you like this economy? Everyone’s gotta have two jobs.

• If the governor had just used cash to pay for his hookers, all of this unpleasantness might have been avoided.

• As everyone starts sizing up incoming governor David Paterson, the ever-helpful Mario Cuomo notes that, “I think in his heart of hearts he’d rather be a legislator. It’s easier to intellectualize, to deal with problems as a senator, because you don’t have to solve them,” which is just a case of Mario speaking in that lovely oratory we’ve grown accustomed to and is in no way an attempt to soften up Paterson should Mario’s son Andrew decide he wants to be governor in 2010. Either way, Paterson shouldn’t plan to take many vacations. (If he does travel, might we suggest Florida? We hear the hookers down there are excellent this time of year.)

• Men and Dr. Laura think prostitution is a victimless crime; women are less easily persuaded.