Heavy Lifting

by Julie Bloom & Andrew Goldman

1. According to Us Weekly, what is the nickname Joan Rivers’s grandson Edgar invented for his grandmother owing to her extensive plastic surgery?

A. Granny stretch stretch
B. Nana New-Face
C. Grammy Aaaaaaaagh!
D. Mommy?

2. According the National Enquirer, why has 64 year-old singer-songwriter Neil Diamond been heartbroken?

A. His carpet of chest hair has been falling out in large patches.
B. His girlfriend is partially deaf and may have never heard any of his songs.
C. His estranged rabbi father, who had disowned him when he became a musician, died recently.
D. A rabid middle aged fan tore apart his lucky red white and blue sequin jeans at a show in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

3. What did the Globe quote Chris Rock as saying, as proof of how tough he is?

A. “Biggie? I smoked his fat ass.”
B. “I’m like O.J. I almost killed a guy.”
C. “I haven’t had a f$@$*&^ manicure in three months.”
D. “Out back of the Comedy Store, I smacked up Rita Rudner pretty bad.”

4. According to Us Weekly, why did Russell Crowe throw a phone at Mercer Hotel clerk Nestor Estrada in New York?

A. He couldn’t get a line out to make a call to his wife in Australia.
B. Because he's secretly a shaved-down gorilla, and that’s the kind of shit gorillas pull.
C. He was having some difficulty lobbing the cigarette machine.
D. He was angry because Estrada told him that he found it structurally problematic that Ron Howard played down Max Baer’s Jewish ancestry and glossed over the anti-semitic overtones of Jim Braddock’s popularity in Depression-era America.

5. Christian Slater was arrested on May 31 for allegedly groping a woman on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Slater has previously been arrested for all of the following except one. Which one?

A. Driving drunk.
B. Soliciting sex from a six and a half foot tall transsexual prostitute.
C. Trying to take a gun on an air plane.
D. Biting a man on the stomach.
E. Throwing a police officer against a wall.

6. Sugar, Elizabeth Taylor’s beloved 12 year-old white Maltese, had to be put down over Memorial Weekend. Which problem did Liz and little Sugar share?

A. Both had brief and troubled marriages with long-haired construction workers.
B. Both were hospitalized for swallowing a whole package of rubber bands.
C. Both frustrated loved ones by pooping behind a ficus tree.
D. Both suffered from serious cases of dehydration.

7. According to the New York Post, production on Mission Impossible III was in danger of being derailed partly due to which of the following demands made by Tom Cruise?

A. Paco, the Scientology Celebrity Center’s chef, must be put in charge of craft services.
B. Paco, the Celebrity Center’s chef, must be made director of photography.
C. The film’s executive producer must stop seeing his analyst.
D. A Scientology tent must be constructed on set.

8. Fifties matinee idol Tab Hunter tells the Globe that he had a secret affair with Psycho star Anthony Perkins. What measures did the pair take to avoid getting caught?

A. On dates, Hunter would disguise himself in Damn Yankees costar Gwen Verdon’s dresses and wigs.
B. When in public, they would tell homophobic jokes in loud voices.
C. Their “no sex except unless when in a boat thirty miles from shore” rule.
D. They would wear baseball caps to the cinema, and wouldn’t show up together.

9. According to Star, which one of the following factoids about Paris Hilton’s fiancée Paris Latsis is not true?

A. His father used to be a water skiing instructor.
B. His mother helped him pick up girls by investing in a London nightclub.
C. His family was blackmailed by a Greek terrorist group.
D. He frequently travels to Las Vegas to get his hair colored by Siegfried and Roy’s personal hair stylist.
E. He has a rottweiler named Peter Pan.

10. “[He] just wasn’t up to sex. Not that he wasn’t built, but with me, at least, he was virtually impotent.” Who is the 57 year-old Mod Squad actress—and former Mrs. Quincy Jones—Peggy Lipton describing in this passage from her new memoir, Breathing Out?

A. Jake and the Fatman star William Conrad
B. Bewitched’s Paul Lynde.
C. Elvis Presley
D. German shepherd film star Rin Tin Tin

Answers: 1) B 2) B 3) B 4) A 5) B 6) D 7) D 8) D 9) D 10) C