I always get stuck at the self-serve pump.

It's a small lawn they have there, too, and it's mainly crabgrass.

Also: I initially read this as he intended to address supporters in a "thong." Or address a thong in a supporter.

Whatever. It's a crappy hotel.

I just killed a pint of Gentleman Jack. But I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.

"I had a hard time seeing the decimel points before I got my bifocals."

Suddenly, I feel so unloathed.

I've applied to become a Muslim Socialist. They seem to have a lot of inside info.

Sai1or, your so silly.

But I'm a little hurt you don't regard me as the No. 1 Most Despicable Something-or-Other. Perhaps if I were more obese.

Sai1or, I know a good American like yourself believes in fair play, so it's helpful to point out, with respect to your statistical pull, that it refers to the aggregate number of forcible rapes by state. It does not represent a "rate," such as forcible rapes per capita.

One would hope that Alaska would be low on the list you mentioned, given its population rank is 47th. So what we actually learn is that the number of rapes there is already skewed proportionally higher per capita.

I'm sure you'd like to add that to your analysis.

The Bottom is just a more secure place to look up from.

The Iraq piece you linked is an important read. I know we have a lot of other stuff on our plate, here in our wonderful country, but we can't forget what we are in the middle of, for better, worse, or indifference, elsewhere.

Those young ladies sounded pretty sincere to me.

Speaking of which, does that reporter get paid by the gesture?

"I ran out of boot polish."

And not "Old Country"?*

* I know, OK?

Annie Hell.

Why are you not inquiring about Obama buying his suits from Marx?

Mama told me not to vote.

Hell yes I want a gun, if I'm going to be chased by a poodle.

If bin Laden shops at Filene's Basement, they'll never find him.

"God Bless. . .Where am I?"

That was almost as exciting as watching a coffee date between two Presbyterians.

Is that leather, or naugahyde?

Well, once the liberals all die and go to Hell then this will be less of an issue.

If those aren't your pants, you must recants.

I'm game, but Britney's jury is going to need to pretend to watch it again.

Wow. Speaking of sticking one's thingy where the poop comes out.

"PreservingMarriage.Org," by the way, is an--organ--of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Yes, let's get down to our true colors now, shall we?

No, people won't really be free until we take their freedoms away.

And the people in these ads will never really be married, so they approved this message.

I have the strange desire to be hosed down with Tab.

We don't want your pinko porno east coast money.

Forty bucks a dozen. Or five an ear.

"Can we get all the good Muslims to stand over here on the red carpet?"

General Powell has a lengthy history of endorsing white men, including those as experienced as Gov. Bush, with the character of Senator Cheney.

Alas, had only Alan Keyes been nominated, we would not be in this conundrum, eh, Tex? Only, no: you could have used your line there, too.

I would have been pleased to explain. You don't have to do ALL the heavy lifting.

Your logic is fallacious. And you heard your premise on FoxNews at a quarter of eight this morning.

I also would recommend a higher-fiber diet.

You obviously don't grasp the qualitative distinction between knowing and knowing better.

You have to have teeth to yell "Terrorist."

Robbins Mitchell . . .may I call you Robbins Mitchell? You're not white, by chance? Or are you just see-through?

The Market fell, so I lost my money shot.

Listening to Powell was like a nice hot shower after a month spent looking for a pair of contacts in the sewer.

Let's have us some reasoned discourse on this topic, shall we?

I guess that answers my question. Zero. You can't afford a dick.

How many times did you come writing that?

Before you start in on that tax cut, can you please slash the verbal diarhhea?

Reached for comment, Sen. McCain stated, "Well, but this was only the first election."

Bob Hope was incandescent in "Call Me Bwahahahaha."

Makes sense. The Rangers won as many playoff series with Bush as owner or managing partner as Bush won wars as President.

Apparently they wanted Palin and Fey to re-create the infamous Mirror Scene from 'Duck Soup,' but Palin axed it when she learned she would have to portray Marx.

I might almost get upset about it. If this wasn't America. Where we don't do things like that. Unless people deserve it. In our opinion. Which we are free to have.

McCain portrays a human quite well, even if he has to read the part off note cards.

Sai1or, do you like boy shorts? Like, real TIGHT boy shorts?

Sai1or. . .BABY. . .I would LOVE to pretend with YOU.

At least until he gets tossed in the boiling water.

He's not the only one with a tiny symantic.

He and Chris Walken could be brothers. From another planet.

The last guy who tried to perforate my website had a really bad url.

My Bentley is in the shop, Balk. May I borrow your Lamborghini to go to the laundromat?

Nothing like Billy Bob Thornton to cure a sex addiction.

Look at the bright side. The people who are really losing can't afford the magazine anyhow.

For verisimilitude, he charges $375 for ten minutes of labor.

Or it could simply be he didn't need a $250,000 plumber.

Let's see. . .more articulate, hotter, dances better, more in tune with issues. . .

The tats are pretty authentic, though.

But it was a COMPLIMENT.

Joe dropped by last night to leave his six-pack in my plumbing, but he ended up hitting the wall instead.

She looks pretty darn good for 52. But I take drugs for sex.

Ms. Maddow did an absolutely spectacular job of handling this temperately. I applaud her.

I'm just thrilled to learn I'm only a twelve-pack or so shy of moderation.

The Biggest Loser.

I think it is positively scrumptuous we can all pine together to be so last year.

Holy God. This is Anthony R. Martin-Trigona? Oh, yeah. I grew up on Martin-Trigona nuttiness in Champaign in the 70s. He has a history as long as your arm. He has been in some seriously strange stuff.

There's room to move from those balconies.

But, seriously--if you just put to the side that we're already in one and a half wars--a good international shoot-em-up is the go-to bromide for a sagging economy.

I've already saved four Hefty bags of aluminum cans.

I'm off to be fitted for a hairshirt and a full-figure body bag.

I'll give you this: there's no pretense of intellect in you.

And, quite the contrary: I adore you. I would like to nuzzle you.

All right, now that is just ENOUGH. Play nice or Karen is going to come over there and jam your memory stick into a light socket.

And I don't appreciate the piglet crack, either. Capeche, Himmler?

Or a Keith Olbermann Special Comment? Anyway, if you don't like it, move to Halifax.

Oh, heck with you. I wouldn't vote for John McCain if he WAS Black.

Wilt Chamberlain DIED for Sarah Palin, assholes.

But the McCain Campaign has been searching for a theme song.

This would happen right after I acquired Water Works and Mediterranean Avenue.

"Hello, I'm Rags. Woof! Woof! Woof!"

Is that code for no longer being able to afford the 6:30 late show at the Andy Williams Theatre in Branson?

Just poking my head in here to remind you all the Cubs lost Game 1 to the Dodgers 7-2, not 7-3, and that Barack Obama is a White Sox fan, which opened up a lot more comedic opportunity than was seized upon by the writers.

I'm simply concerned about making this material funnier. I worry about this stuff, you know. For you, not me.

Please return to your pie fight.

Really. They even spell "Daily" identically.

I went to buy a pitchfork last night, but they wouldn't take my MasterCard.

OK, cross off "go to high-end stereo store to get patron pulse" from today's to-do list.

Jesus. That was the only thing on the list.

Sarah Palin has read most of this discussion, and is now prepared to answer your questions.

Choire just won Gawker from Denton by defeating him 4-2 in a Chinese Checkers Tournament.

And on Monday, we'll celebrate the day Christopher Columbus turned around and went back to the Old World.

A poll of 600 Wisconsin voters conducted by WISC in Madison and released yesterday showed Obama up 10 points, "his largest in any poll done in Wisconsin since the summer, before the two national political conventions," per the A.P.

I spend a good deal of time up there, and you can be sure there's plenty of McCain voters there. Let's pray for good weather in Dane and Milwaukee Counties on November 4.

Fucking mouse crawled out of my mattress and asked me where I kept the good stuff.

I always believed that "Gs" were time-consuming and superluous. And we support eliminating other unecessary and wasteul letters, such as "J" and "Q" and "Z"; but then "P"should also be given a hard look, because it too lends itself to unortunate usage and interpretation; But, undamentally, we really don't stand, as a nation, behind "F" anymore, either, and we promise to make our country secure, sa e and ree again.

Not. Not bitter and isolated in the least.

This is a dirty trick indeed. They know he'll get blisters in those heels.

Also: Have the Palins just finished taping an episode of 'Family Feud'? That's a buzzer-bashing Bandaid.

So much for the First Duped.

Someone obviously didn't get the full can of Sierra Mist with his beverage service.

But does the bowler match the beanie?

"McCain Promises To Get Gas Under Control"

I can give you some George Reeves. Or, how about Steve Reeves?

It's a bit giddy, to be sure, but when Cheney laughed you wanted to put Dick in a lead-lined box.

Oh, why are you wasting your energy? Just take her at her word.

Afterwards, everyone split up into individual discussion groups, in which they lamented a Golden Age they were unable to identify, other than it had occurred sometime between 1988 and 2006, and in either New York, London, or one person even said Los Angeles (to which there would have been great snickering, had anyone else been in that particular group), and everyone cast sidelong, envious glances at each other's footwear.

Hell, he can have "Won't Get Fooled Again" as far as I'm concerned.

Obama's Operatives told him he was calling Sarah Connor.

New Deal or No New Deal

I'd go with double vision. At least then he comes across as partially conciliatory. Assuming he was pointing at the one he disagreed with.

Sarah Palin, holding for Jason Butler Harner on Line 1; wants to know if maybe possibly one of his older brothers looks anything somewhat like Barack Obama.

In other news: As my new investment strategy, I am Krazy Glueing myself to the toilet.

Adam Ant? Christ. It is time to die, isn't it?

"Oh, now c'mon you guys, let's not be threatenin' anybody here just yet, nkay?"

Oddly enough, I received two e-mails today, from completely different, albeit highly placed, banking officials in the Congo, seeking similar sums in emergency assistance.

They, however, both took Discover.

A wave of sentiment for George Bush, based on a film by a notorious muckraker, that succeeds in rallying John McCain to victory makes as much sense as anything else these days you see when you put the newspaper in the birdcage.

Aren't they sort of the Residents for people who prefer Miracle Whip to mayonnaise?

Or am I thinking they're more Can for people who drink RC instead of Pepsi?

I think, theoretically, he could've outperformed in Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, but those darn Viet Congs disabled his right thumb.

Even more unretarded, Karen, is to set up your line correctly: "Choire."

Doirk.

"Chore" spelled backwards unretardedly is "Eroica." It is, however, pronounced the same.

This is starting to remind me of something else. Can't quite place it.

There's some confusion here, I think. I understood we were supposed to pour the bourbon into the keyboard FIRST.

For, um, hygenic purposes.

Someone tipped those assholes that I suck at trigonometry.

Then they all ran home and watched themselves on CNN and made fun of Wolf Blitzer being named Wolf Blitzer.

There's plenty of good money to be made off of Doom.

'whitechocolatespaceegg,' Balk. Don't discount that one, compadre.

Clean coal is some really good shit.

Can't we just give these people Arizona and Alaska to live in and be done with it?

What. The. Fuck.

Palling around with terrorists.

I can only imagine her disappointment upon learning her running mate wasn't Fabio.

Let's face it. There are just too many darn words out there to read.

I got turned down for Confession because my FICO score was only 666.

"Sarah, we'd like you to be a little naughtier."

Just when you're hankering for a rousing Toby Keith anthem, Ronnie Van Zant comes on the radio.

I feel it bears repeating.

I know now how important the cockroach who survived the nuclear attack felt.

I know now how important the cockroach who survived the nuclear attack felt.

Nasty, brutish, and not nearly short enough.

I wondered why my MasterCard was getting a hard-on.

Really. Coming here is sort of like graduating to Old Fitzgerald after two cases of Schaeffer.

Ah, what the hell. Put it on my rum tab.

Whew. I just got an e-mail. He's not making me take a pay cut.

I'll help by cutting back my comments by 20%.

I'm still trying to figure out whether "Say it ain't so, Joe," is a compliment or a complaint.

I am now prepared to trust Sarah Palin with carrying a dozen eggs home from the supermarket without breaking too many of them.

I could tell you who won. But I'd be lying.

I had Gov. Palin read that drunk-driving lawyer story to me, and gosh darn it all, it made total sense.

No, I will go home tonight, and curl up in my housecoat and Hello Kitty footmuffs, and I will read your words again and again, and I will remember how we had these few precious moments together.

Then I'll blow my nose and have a Diet Rite and Everclear.

One thing I'm learning is that these campaigns are all about wind or reed instruments. How's his bassoon?

Although "Iron Dog" is bringing back a tingle.

Well, it was all over for me when he said "Matunska."

There is, however, a chalk outline on the bedroom floor.

I'm also hearing she hates Carmen Miranda.

I love being the Spam in a Seaman Sandwich.

There we go. Rancor on the 1s.

"I don't know how I feel about this Brown v. Board of Education one. I mean, that's not nice, to sue the Board of Education, is it? Unless they're teaching sex education, or if there are dirty books in the school library. Have you ever really READ 'Stuart Little'? I mean, REALLY read it? Or 'Charlotte's Web'? I threw that straight in the trash. You don't fool a Mom.

"And Brown. Think about it. I'm from Alaska. It takes FOREVER to get stuff up North where we're at. I mean, think about it: What has Brown ever done for us?"

Wow. A maverick who can spell it.

Fuck you, Tom Arnold. Just: fuck you, you ungrateful ox.

And THANKS for the invite, Nick Denton. THIS will be in MY book, and I'll show you, you, you ungrateful oxtail you.

I'll insist they cast Tom Arnold as Dick Dentyne.

More damnable distortions and lies, Sir. His Viet Cong captors disabled his heart.

It takes a special kind of man, to say, "Show me your tits" to a woman, and not end up in jail.

Oh. Sorry, Joe.

Must also help to be hung like a seahorse.

Question for Mr. Rourke? Did you finally eat that little dog you used to carry everywhere?

Actually, anyone on the panel care to respond?

Oh, so shoot me. I resisted for two hours.

Don't you think this piece needs a little product placement, Balk?

Must be a poor quality video. I can't see Atlantic City from her front porch.

Sai1or, are you married? Would you like to get annulled?

I meant to say "wouldn't," but it doesn't matter anyway. We all blew up in the end.

We don't go for Socialists in this town, big fella.

She's related to that idiot who would let Mandrake get change out of the Coke machine in 'Dr. Strangelove.'

His ultimate subversion of the Celebrity Industrial Complex, which, for most of his life, he could have bought and sold.

Rock on, Soldier.

"'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

I like your viewpoint, but it's more fun if I have to figure out what vowels you used.

Bill Clinton, apparently frustrated (or, perhaps, "fr str t d") by the inability to post his feelings about Gov. Palin on Gawker, tells the Frontiersman:

"slick willy wrote on Sep 30, 2008 7:00 PM:

'All i can say is there were more people in Alaska that didn't vote for miss lair than did.Hold me accountable and everything above board sure isn't happin any more. Get back to Alaska and lets ask you to your face. you are supposed to be our Gveronor running the state but I forgot you now know what the vice Presidents job is about and you might get the Secert Service to fire Wotton or a least follow him around. Come home and answer real QUESTIONS or we might be a BLUE state for PRESISENT '"

Y'all go have your gosh darn beer with W. I'm waiting here to have a Tang and Goldschlager with President Sarah. You sit right here, hon.

I feel like I'm seeing d11ble.

I was shattered to learn this was not a gameshow, hosted by Ms. Hilton, in which she asks contestants to help her spell one-syllable words.

This would be even more hilarious if our money was worth anything.

Write that down, Balk. That's one way to get a woman to sit on your lap.

These three? In something involving "reality"?

Is "either way" anorexic or never?

Gee, that would just be a darn shame, if that resulted in a mistrial.

I sure hope the U.S. Attys thought about that.

Sai1or, I think Geraldine Ferraro would like another crack at rear-ending you.

John McCain will suspend his campaign to personally bail out the American Credit System by spending 48 fevered hours at the Venetian.

After which, he will accept the Congressional Medal of Honor from Telly Savalas at a $3.99-per-plate Buffet for America at the Palace Station, with Special Guest Appearance by O.J. Simpson, who will, in reprising his beloved role as Nordberg, attempt to assassinate the Queen, with hilarious consequences.

If she fucks like she dances, it'll be two minutes of huff-and-puff and 1:58 of her trying to get into the bed.

Of course, there's the simple expedient of SNL just hiring Palin to its cast after November 4th. Regardless of the outcome of the election.

If anyone sticks their finger up inside my name they're going to get cut.

I just signed up for the Ultra High-Speed Apocalypse from Comcast, but it petered out after twenty minutes.

Thanks. I was waiting to hear from you before I made up my mind.

Well, none of you would even believe me if I told you where my mouse cursor ended up when she executed that exquisite corner-turn.

Bullshit, Balk. Your technicians are supposed to be here between one and five p.m. to rejigger my dish so I can get Direct Ticket without hanging out the bathroom window.

McCain's Chief Economic Adviser, Hans Gruber, could not be reached for comment.

So he's got this going for him; which is nice.

What an opportunity for anyone making a Judy Carne biopic.

There certainly won't be anything said that makes more sense.

The Al Davis line, though, is priceless. And possibly accurate.

And, you're right, compadre, 'Jackie Brown' is QT's best film. You'd almost think he had a heart, without him having to cut it out to show it to you.

You know, right about now, the idea of a Subsistence President who eats what she kills sounds sort of appealing.

What's Ted Nugent up to these days?

I'm certainly glad I have significant equity in my cardboard box.

She'll be just a flashlight and a map away from the Presidency.

If I write a sentence with "self-erecting" in it, can I get a deal?

I did NOT have sex with those hands.

I wish to hell I could get Michael Douglas to call me back for that interview I sought on all the screwups in the GoogleMaps edition of the Streets of San Francisco.

To paraphrase Roger Clemens paraphrasing Roger Clemens, Sen. McCain does not lie; he merely disremembers.

Cyclops: Hold your hand over your other eye.

Hard to match that, but I'll do a tapdance on your ass for six dollars.

Sailor: They sent her back.

Because you're trying to measure the qualitative difference of an In and Out Burger with a sack of sliders.

He's in talks with Franco to launch a billateral commission on Spaghetti-Os.

I got up this morning, and I feel good. I'm wealthy now: I own all these banks and insurance companies, and I hear I'll be buying even more businesses in the next few days.

Then, my 401(k) leaped back into single-digit loss territory, simply because I went and bought all these things.

And, best of all, because we all now realize everything will be fine, we will reverse this disturbing trend of late, and get back to the business of just loving the bejeebers out of our Dear Sarah.

I so would like to write her a nice letter of encouragement. Do you have any more of her addresses?

I count at least four stories about cheese here. Did I miss any?

"But we'll be all alone. It'll be an EXCLUSIVE lapdance."

Karl Marx just blew Diet Pepsi out his nose.

Under my administration, this issue will be addressed by helicopters, rifles, and that Can-Do American Spirit.

America, you're wearing me out.

Knox Nails.

First observation: I thought, by definition, a "recession" is a self-generating phenomenon, as in if you haven't been breathing for fourteen months, you may be dead.

Second: It's tough to turn the lights out when you leave when you've already stolen the switches.

Please. He had his fingers crossed.

You're going to run out of stuff to write if anyone starts telling the truth.

I, for one, would like to have more clean meese.

2. I wouldn't. You know where it's been.

1. Careful with that. You might poke someone's eye out.

Oh, c'mon. You know you want me to.

His cousin, Dom Capers Funnye, is the first Mob Boss Comic to coach in the N.F.L.

Can I get a preliminary ruling on a Palin Pancakes joke?

We are going to be spending a shitload of tax dollars on jet fuel to cart this crew back and forth every weekend.

I'm told that Tech Geek and Black Ops Expert Glenn Beck convened a panel last night to prove that McCain can't send e-mails because his fingers were disabled by P.O.W. torture. This was accompanied by a looping video of McCain buttoning and unbuttoning his sportcoat.

So, there. Aren't you ashamed. Not only do you hate women who are ready right this very minute to be President, you also hate the old handicapped people who WILL be President, when You People are finally silenced.

Parenthetically, I'm heartened to know (via the ad on the WSJ page) that Sprint now provides GPS directions to Hell.

Sarah Palin shot BOTH the owl and the pussycat.

This list made me wistful for those days when Leigh Lezark convinced herself we thought she was news.

Allow me to head straight to the dullest item on your junior-high cafeteria menu of palatable breakfast treats: the law firm story.

Nobody in my industry seems to want to admit it, but many of us charge absurd rates for our services. I'm not talking the $2-300 pittances attorneys in my low-rent district of the spectrum charge (just north of plumber rates, appropriately). . .but the $6, 7, 800 and more per hour rates shoveled to the higher-end firms, primarily for higher-profile matters, including, irony of ironies, large-scale bankruptcies (where fees can exceed $1k for an hour of deep thought and, if one were cynical about it, ESPN.com refreshes).

This is plenty of dough to cover the overhead and leave a little left for the Holiday Envelope.

Don't get me wrong: it's good money, if you can get it (don't look at me). But, if we're all about consciousness-raising and "getting real," we honestly need to think about what gets charged and paid in the professional services industry.

And Mirror, fuck yeah I'm talkin to you.

There's enough alcohol in my tears to keep anyone under 275 lbs. wasted until the next big uptick.

Harold Ramis to direct. Tina Fey to controversially refuse to mention American Express during Oscar acceptance speech.

I just want to know how Barack Obama got so many friends named "Google."

I like movies about shopping. Particularly if there are coupons.

I tried this on the Aerial Zipper at the County Fair but all I hit were some pink dogs wearing lipstick.

Well, he's very clearly and contritely THINKING that first part, which is the important detail you've left out of your distortion.

Does the prenup stipulate they can't open their mouths?

For those interested, a truly tragic page from a profoundly sad chapter of American History in which we learn, amidst our pride and greatness, what we truly are capable of.

Don't take it personal. It's just Business.

It took the Village to make the world.

OK. Let's see these pictures she has of McCain en flagrente delicto with whatever member of Noah's Ark hasn't yet made an appearance in this campaign.

Oh, Christ. Can't wait to see someone try to put lipstick on a spider.

Next time I drop 75 bucks at a Shell station I at least want a hand job.

Quite frankly, actually, essentially, the revisionary focus on this--present company excepted--is Glade on horseshit.

When is Obama's camp going to roll out the praying mantis ads?

"For a good time, call Frankfurter."

PIT bulls. Or put bills. OK, so there are ducks, too.

Fuck no. I'm not voting for Gilbert Gottfried.

OK, so now we got put bulls, pigs and wolves. When they start pairing up, I'm heading to the airport.

70% of 5? You're probably right, but I'm trying to figure out how to light half a candle.

Guess the rest must be burning them at both ends.

Or, in our putative Vice-President's case, it would be Tell, Don't Show.

The McCain/Palin Platform on Education: Show, Don't Tell.

In which we learn that calling yourself a dog doesn't insult women if you are one, but calling a pig with lipstick a pig does, if you aren't.

Random, flippant observation. . .yet one weighing on my mind:

Why did John Mellencamp get older, but stop being a Cougar?

I'm sorry. Please return to putting lipstick on your menagerie.

We're all on the bus headed down the Bridge to Nowhere.

Oh, good God. How'd I miss this:

Idickarod.

Northern Overexposure.

Better to have something to hide than nothing to show.

Willam Dalton, thanks for hoisting me out of that sarcasm I duped myself into hearing as I listened to Ms. Palin "receive her due" for her tenure as a mayor.

I'd much prefer Rudy pay a visit to Richard Widmark.

I told you idiots we should have let Alaska secede.

The Palin expensing looks juicy, but it's a multi-edged sword. You'll note she dipped her beak far less than her predecessor, and, let's face it, state officials in many places--look at my state, Illinois, for Chrissakes--are free with the perky stuff.

But, do carry on. Every stone is needed for the mudslide.

And what of this interesting ad in yesterday's Times in which a consortium of moderate Keynesian types essentially said we're fucked to the tune of some ridiculous number of trillions, and that we need candidates who can essentially say we're fucked to the tune of some ridiculous number of trillions?

In other words, should I take a position in bullion, or am I just in the soup?

American Visigothic.

Well I, for one, am impressed by the scholarship and determination, and I wish you well in chasing down the rabbit holes till you find the rats really in there.

I'm surprised they didn't go for "Suck My Left One."

This televised punditry obviously qualifies him as a member of the Liberal Media, and, because the sign appears to have correct spelling, and perhaps was commercially produced, I believe he's also appropriately characterized as Mainstream.

I guess I missed the lecture where they explained that the Trickle Down Method works best with a sieve.

Not really sure what the Laura Nyro/LaBelle album's doing on this list, despite the explanation, but I'm all for it if someone buys another one of her records.

Good for you on the Romeo Void mention. Debora Iyall will now talk dirty to you.

And, um, Out people? Move "Le Tigre" way way way up. Or Kathleen will come over there and smack you one.

Give it three months to sit on the rack at TJ Maxx and it'll also be low-cut.

My early draft, including the soundbyte, "The difference between a governor and a painting of dogs playing poker is real smoke being blown up your ass!" was scratched only after Karl Rove's adamant insistence that the dogs were smoking real cigars.

Betcha two dollars Joe Lieberman wouldn't have had this problem.

Proof of the erosion of the No Spin Ozone Layer.

They go to all that trouble and they don't put lipstick on it?

Seems the best way--the only way--to counteract the messianic Family Matters attack of the Republican Right is to just plain rub people's faces in the past eight years, and ask them if that is what they want another helping of.

I'm not promising results, but, really: Gas at $3.50? When it was what four years ago? Economy drained dry by war and ignorance of the globe in the 21st century?

That has to be the battleground. And hope and pray enough people are sick to death enough of sliding down Shit Hill to not buy into a dog wearing makeup.

I hate to kill the mood, but I put lipstick on our pit bull.

These people really take the guesswork out of self-loathing.

"The Incredible Edible Clegg."

He was the beefstick to Ray Stevens' chicken-fried steak.

My kerchief will let you know it really enjoyed this piece when it's free.

Speaking of literary Alaska, isn't it about time we heard a few stanzas of Service's "The Screwing of John McCain"?

Well, I've sent in my request. I've always wanted to be friends with someone who knows someone who'll hang up on me.

She's governing for one and a half.

$65k will get you a haircut AND a shave in Champaign.

I knew I'd end up being pissed that Mott the Hoople never did a summer song.