Sai1or, I will give you $10 to let me play around in your brain for a half hour. I promise not to rearrange anything, I just want to see what life is like for you.

You're both right. It's the Italo-Jew card, aka "the Balk"

And also, that dude's eye. Discuss.

You first, Sai1or.

Did that jackass just put live lobsters in his vegetable crisper?

Also, I hate children.

Man, I used to love Paul Reiser on "My Two Muslim Dads".

goddammit, I didn't see the plaintiff's name in the article. Now my funny doesn't work. See what happens when you outsource your work, Balk?

Please let this be appealed to the highest court in the land. I love the idea of legal precedent being established because Tara Reid's salon was double-booked.

but the "unamerican fascist ninnies" argument is watertight.

For crying out loud, Jamie Lynn, show some maturity and responsibility for once in your life and just take it up the ass like the rest of us folk.

Man, if you guys start dating, you'd blow George and Martha out of the water.

Lucianne Goldberg is your source? Really? Wow.
Conservative pundit is one thing; deranged pedagogue another. When Lucianne Goldberg enters a room, the cockroaches turn out the lights. Not exactly the person to poll when you're looking to gauge tempered reactions.

He's right, Choire.
Your name is pretty stupid.

Ah, so this is why Alex hasn't replied to my last two emails.
HE STILL LOVES ME! IT'S THE DAMNABLE INTERWEB TUBES THAT WON'T CONVEY HIS MESSAGE.

I can't wait for Sai1or to show up and tell us Barney Frank tried to drown that baby in Nancy Pelosi's bathtub.

Sai1or, come out with it: are you Trig's daddy?

yes, Sai1or, but it's so fucking worth it for that sweet-ass buzz.

YOU LEAVE MY WIFE OUT OF THIS.

Jesus, has there ever been a period in this woman's life when she HASN'T been pregnant?

ZING!

Cyclops, please. Balk's stomach has spent has spent the better part of the last decade being fortified by hourly doses of rye whiskey. No candy-ass ulcer dares take it on.

Mr. Sicha, how dare you?! There is only one man in Clay Aiken's life, and his name is Jesus.

Choire, this was great. And not just among the pieces you've written for Radar, but among your entire --dare I say-- oeuvre.

But next time, more bears.

Abbe, you do realize that Josh Stein doesn't write for Radar, yes?

Let me guess, this was originally Balk's assignment, but the insurance people wouldn't cover his visit to the eyebrow groomer?

She has nothing to hide, other than the ziploc bags full of Vicodin sewn into the linings of her Judith Lieber clutch, no.

Hmm...
This article mentioned the word "bear" at least twice, but I still can't hear the Li'l Jon?