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(Photo: Illustrations by Harry Malt)
1. Courses offered in class, online, and drive-thru
2. Marching band uses only hand claps
3. Your school advertises on urinal cakes
4. Founded in 1979 as a Fotomat
5. Student bookstore has a curtained-off adult section
6. Counseling Services is a candy dish of Adderall
7. Diplomas are written in crayon on the back of used Sizzler place mats
8. Faculty restaffed daily with illegal immigrants brought in by pickup truck
9. Community-service requirement is handing out half-off fliers in front of competing college
10. Bursar's office accepts only wire transfers
11. The swim team uniform is cutoff jeans and a shark-tooth necklace
12. Endowment: whatever happens to be in the treasurer's coin purse
13. Most famous alumnus is the inventor of the "cheese inside the crust" pizza
14. Quad located in the median strip of the New Jersey Turnpike
15. Founder's plaque reads "Established This Many Fingers Ago"
16. Your mascot is a tiger in a wheelchair
17. Campus has its own Green Zone
18. Corey Feldman awarded honorary degree three years running
19. Financial aid package consists of $10 and a pack of smokes
20. You attend Harbard, Yole, or Pranceton
21. Classes are frequently interrupted by sound of goats fighting on the roof
22. Commencement ceremony is a live feed from a better school's commencement ceremony
23. Acceptance letters are sent to student's name "Or Current Resident"
24. Half of all student groups are devoted to tanning
25. Dorms double as conjugal visit trailers
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