Radar 100
Future Shock
100 things we're not putting in the time capsule
PAGE 1 / 4
This article is from the July/August issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.
1. Trump: The Game 2. Trump: the human 3. The handcuff keys 4. Detailed plan for the first 100 days of the Kucinich administration 5. The world's very first Facebook poke 6. A formal, handwritten apology for the long-running success of Blue Man Group 7. Genuine Charlton Heston kidney stone 8. All the shit we don't want from the 1908 time capsule 9. Bottle of Viagra labeled "Baby Aspirin" 10. Mike Huckabee's double-necked bass guitar 11. Archive of every Jerry Seinfeld promotional appearance for Bee Movie 12. Overdue library book 13. Instructions for resurrecting Ann Coulter 14. Spanx shapewear worn by Oprah confidante Gayle King 15. One supersize can of Whoop Ass from Spencer Gifts 16. Map showing the precise location of the capsule 17. A recording of Hugo Chavez calling future Americans "the devil's great-great-great-great grandspawn" 18. A Kiss Army condom 19. The new bite-size Cinnasnacks from Sonic 20. Hardcover copy of Simply the Gest, the David Gest autobiography 21. Video montage of President Bush high-fiving world leaders 22. Kanye West's preemptively written Nobel Prize acceptance speech 23. Meg Ryan's original lips 24. 25 years of Dave Barry columns, with the best jokes highlighted 25. Pint of Dippin' Dots: Ice Cream of the Future |
 
 |
PAGE 2 / 4
NO. 43 A pack of Big League Chew with a note that says "This is all we ate"
26. All that bullshit Echinacea 27. Hidden-camera footage of Dog the Bounty Hunter enjoying a homemade cran-tini 28. Burger King nutritional information card annotated with "This is why we're all dead" 29. Sisqo's first-ever thong 30. The microwave-bacon tray 31. Leather hat worn by Joe Pantoliano at the 2003 Golden Globes 32. Instructions for acid-washing denim "future suits" 33. A sealed envelope with the inscription "To be opened by President of the United States Abigail Breslin" 34. Joe Lieberman's High Holidays yarmulke 35. Signed first edition of Ethan Hawke's The Hottest State 36. A preorder voucher for Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy (just in case) 37. Lyrics Bono wrote to end a famine he's projecting for Botswana in 50 years 38. Notebook containing Andy Rooney's tragically demented thoughts on the 22nd century 39. One bottle of Diet Coke, one Mento 40. $5 gift card to Jamba Juice 41. "Get well, Terri Schiavo!" Mylar balloon 42. A life-size replica of original party animal Spuds MacKenzie 43. A pack of Big League Chew with a note that says "This is all we ate" 44. A can labeled "Zombie Antidote" filled with spring-loaded novelty snakes 45. Empty bottle of Fuschia Smack! hair dye used by Perez Hilton 46. Yogurt that expires one day before time capsule is to be opened 47. A Mr. Potato Head with nothing but the nose jammed into the eye socket 48. Deed to swampland purchased through Erik Estrada infomercial 49. K-Fed's Big Bertha golf club 50. A half-finished TV Guide crossword with a note reading "Li'l help here?" |
 
 
|
PAGE 3 / 4
(Photo: Getty Images)
51. Pit bulls trained to leap out of time capsules and fight until they die 52. A prototype vial of Mario Batali's signature cologne, Beef Cheeks for Men 53. Audio of Dakota Fanning imploring listeners to "Avenge my horrific, cannibalistic death!" 54. Scenery chewed by Daniel Day-Lewis 55. Drawer full of VCR remotes 56. 243 signatures on a petition to bring back the McRib Sandwich with the note "Finish our fight" 57. Extra ticket to Mamma Mia! 58. Dr. Seuss rave hat affixed with glow sticks 59. Despite his persistence, David Blaine 60. Cell-phone snapshot of Starbucks employee dressed as Osama bin Latte, time-stamped halloween 2004 61. "Fo' shizzle my nizzle" written on an index card 62. Three bona fide Rush Limbaugh stogie butts 63. Marketing proposal for a Gatorade flavor called Future Shock 64. Copy of Winking Clown Face: An Unabridged Dictionary of Emoticons 65. Promotional robe received at Judge Joe Brown taping 66. A Post-it that says "Knight to d6—check" 67. USB flash drive loaded with amateur YouTube videos, labeled "The Best of Western Culture: 2001–2008" 68. A 10,000-word essay explaining the humor behind Lolcats 69. The Director's Cup: Two Girls One Cup Extended Version 70. The cup 71. Photograph of Flavor Flav with message that reads "In our time, women competed for the opportunity to have this man inside them" 72. Any magazine labeled "The Green Issue" 73. Courtroom sketches of O.J. Simpson smirking 74. Deleted scenes from The Hottie and the Nottie 75. A "Nuclear Winter Chillout" mix-tape |
  
|
PAGE 4 / 4
NO. 86 RON PAUL 4 PRESIDENT!!! homemade highway overpass banner
76. A jar filled with Robin Williams' "happy tears" 77. The original tailpipe-whistle tip 78. Free CD sampler from July '07 issue of Paste 79. Smallpox blankets 80. Winning briefcase from the March 3, 2008, Spring Break episode of Deal or No Deal 81. Master tapes of the Counting Crows covering Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" 82. Life-size promotional cardboard cutout of Kim Cattrall from the Sex and the City movie 83. One golden lock of hair from American Gladiator Wolf 84. Larry Craig "Wide Stance" T-shirt from cafepress.com 85. Gauze pad from Tila Tequila's coccyx tattoo 86. RON PAUL 4 PRESIDENT!!! homemade highway overpass banner 87. Sack of unlicensed Family Guy merchandise 88. American flag lapel pin, attached to Alan Keyes 89. A shovelful of slime from 2006 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards 90. Sealed prediction about Anderson Cooper's sexuality 91. A complete line of Starbucks' flavored liqueurs 92. A baby midget who will pop out at just the appropriate time as a funny adult midget 93. "We just want our wordsworth!" 2007 WGA strike placard 94. The real truth about Bobby McFerrin 95. The rest of Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained outfits 96. The musky aroma of Andy Warhol's scalp, sealed in a vacuum bag 97. Bass pick spat into the audience by dude from Slipknot 98. Used syringe signed by Barry Bonds 99. Tom Cruise's Sea Org uniform 100. One delicious wrap sandwich |
 
|
This article is from the July/August issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.
07/10/08 1:04 PM
Related: Radar 100
Related: Radar 100
