Radar 100

Help Wanting

100 things not to say in a job interview

By Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead

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This article is from the April issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here

SEALING THE DEAL Be yourself! Just don't say anything listed below

1. "Sorry I'm late. I could have sworn you said 'San Francisco.'"

2. "Where I come from, that kind of question will get you shot."

3. "If I smell like Cheez-Its, it's just because I love them so freakin' much."

4. "I don't like to brag about competitive offers—let's just say I've had some interest from a company that rhymes with Flurger Cling."

5. "Does your health plan cover abortion? If so, can I start today?"

6. "My work ethic is so strong, it's practically Asian."

7. "Is Jesus considered a personal reference?"

8. "Would it be possible to be paid in cash? I'm kind of laying low right now."

9. "What in the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?"

10. "Do me a kindness and scratch beneath my carpal tunnel splints?"

11. "Do you have a speakerphone? My lawyer would like to be involved."

12. "When I get nervous in interviews, I like to picture the other person naked, with my junk in their mouth."

13. "My motto: Work hard, play hard—or as the Nazis might say, Arbeit macht frei."

14. [Winking.] "Why, I have no idea how that $10 bill just appeared on your desk."

15. "Mind if I bunk here till I straighten my housing situation out?"

"Hope you don't mind, but I brought my own ... (16) chair (17) humidifier (18) slippers."

19. "Think of me as the Hamburger Helper to your skillet of ground workload."

20. "It doesn't matter where I'd like to be in five years, because aliens will have inseminated us all by then, right?"

21. "Funny, everyone who reads my résumé always homes right in on the manslaughter."

22. "I really look forward to abandoning my dreams at your corporation."

23. "Let's just cut to the chase: Who and where is the office slut?"

24. "Do you believe in fairies?"

25. "My E-Meter readings are on the back."

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(Photo: Diane Diederich)

26. "Is that a picture of your family? Your wife's uterus must be totally blown out."

27. "I guess you could say I'm sort of a professional whistle-blower."

28. "What you can't get just from reading my résumé is all the stuff I deliberately omitted."

29. "See this? It's a forked tongue. Deal with it."

30. "I'm not big on couches. Cool if I cop a squat?"

31. "Can't we just enjoy a comfortable silence?"

[Answering cell.] "Sorry, gotta grab this. Could be ... (32) a job (33) my rabbi (34) my mom."

35. "Let's try that again, and this time shake my hand like you've got a pair."

36. "Why, yes, it is a fake beard."

37. "If you Google me, just be warned that there's a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page."

38. "Allow me to answer that with a tambourine solo."

39. "Does this dyke tattoo on my forehead conform with your dress code?"

40. "Wow. The Valium just kicked in."

41. "I just need to make enough money not to hate myself for selling out."

42. "The crab rangoon is for both of us, you know."

43. "Is that sore on my forehead still running?"

44. "You're not going to make me take one of those fucking anger management seminars, are you?"

45. "Is this a Christian workplace, or am I going to have my work cut out for me?"

46. "I have one word for you: Mensa."

47. "I'd like to apologize for all the projectile vomiting you're about to experience."

48. "Sure, I value a diverse workplace. Your kind deserves a leg up."

49. "I don't have a last name or address for my last boss, but I do have his beeper number."

50. "It's called a waggle dance, and it's my way of saying, 'Make me your worker bee.'"

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(Photo: Zsolt Nyulaszi)

51. "Do you think we'll eventually become best friends?"

52. "Got $3? I'll hit you back when you hire me."

53. "I'll take off this cap when the Cubbies win the Series, and not a day sooner."

54. "What has two thumbs and totally loves commodities trading? This guy!"

55. "I've been trying to keep a low profile, as I've recently been targeted by the Mossad."

56. "Just out of curiosity, how long do you cache visited websites?"

57. "When I said a retard could do this job, of course I meant a highly functioning retard."

58. "So ... what sort of company is Apple?"

59. "My qualifications? Isn't that one of those prejudiced questions you're not allowed to ask?"

60. "If the preparation instructions for Hot Pockets count as a book, then, yes, I have a favorite book."

61. "It's 4:00? Shit! Where's the closest airport?"

62. "To be honest, as soon as I earn enough money for my calf implants, I'm gone."

63. "Can I keep this pen? How about this lamp?"

64. "My ideal supervisor would be a surrogate for the mommy who never had time for me."

65. "Got a bottle opener in that big ol' fancy drawer?"

66. "Why is your typewriter connected to your TV set?"

67. "I got diddled by my uncle, but now I'm over it."

68. "Under 'education,' can I just put 'the streets'?"

69. "I think you'll find I'm a real team player—as long as no one touches my hair."

70. "No, I'm not pregnant. It's a benign 16-pound tumor. How's your insurance?"

71. "If I could be any historical figure? Skeletor."

72. "It's not that I'm unwilling to travel, it's just this whole crossing state lines thing."

73. "You'd be hiring an extremely skilled knife fighter."

74. "Does your business casual policy include Zubaz?"

75. "Shall we conduct this interview on my lap?"

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(Photo: Peter Finnie)

76. "Does it always smell like onion dip in here?"

77. "My requirements? Three hots and a cot."

78. "I'm just looking to make one last big score before I get out of the game. And I'd love to do that right here at Applebee's."

79. "One man's drug mule is another man's international courier."

80. "I have one more special skill not listed on my résumé, if you'll just draw the curtains..."

81. "I can't wait to blog about this job."

82. "Yes, I'm that Karl Rove."

83. "I have interpersonal skills out the poop chute."

84. "That would be an anklet tracking device, as stipulated by the conditions of my parole."

85. [Reaching into pocket.] "Care for a slice of bacon?"

86. "I see. But it's fine if a black person like you says it?"

87. "How much weight can your desk support?"

88. "It's not that I prefer to work independently; it always just seems to end up that way."

89. "Nice diploma. That was my safety school."

90. "For my personal reference, is it okay if I only know the guy's Xbox gamer tag?"

91. "Each of my personalities will require its own compensation package."

92. "Would I be allowed a Crock-Pot at my desk?"

93. "I've yet to encounter an employee dispute that can't be resolved with a tickle fight."

94. "I guess I should've proofread my résumé more carefully. I'm actually Sara without an h."

95. "Can we wrap this up? I'd hate to hit rush hour."

96. "Sorry. Almost just lost it in my diaper. Nerves."

97. "I work very well under pressure ... if I'm on my meds."

98. "This is my gramps. We're sort of a package deal."

99. "Not to show off, but I'm fluent in Spanglish."

100. "It was either get back on the horse or blow my brains out, and this job seems like a decent compromise."

This article is from the March issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here

02/21/08 5:02 PM
Related: Radar 100

I recently took an interview for this shopping cart software company. I went to the interview and they asked me:

What will you do with all the money you will make if you get highered?

In all honesty I had no clue what to answer as I had a feeling it was a trick question lol. I just said, " Well im just going to pay my bills, continue my education and provide a wonderful like to my wife."

They told me that just from my statement I was thinking too much about myself and not the company.... What a joke.

Posted by: ShoppingCartSoftware on March 4, 2008 5:21 PM

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