The 100 Worst Places to Die

1. Your parents' garage, whipping up your first batch of meth

2. Hour two of Babel

3. Six exits after picking up that drifter with the colorful past

4. On the beach in East Hampton, playing "Baby, I Love Your Way" on the steel drums at your best friend's wedding

5. In the middle of an instructional demo at the Scooter Store

6. The bar at Cheesecake Factory, holding your table pager

7. Eight cars back at the Hardee's drive-through

8. Naked, during a secret midnight romp on your neighbor's trampoline

9. On some asshole's new sailboat

10. Locked in your panic room, hiding
from a door-to-door magazine salesman

11. The personal grooming aisle at the Dollar Store

12. Bathroom of a Greyhound, en route to Dollywood

13. Moments after completing the last sentence of your hilarious "prank" suicide note

14. Onstage, in the middle of your karaoke version of "Walking on Sunshine"

15. Super Bowl stadium, performing a precarious handstand for the JumboTron

16. The VIP box at an outlaw truck-and-tractor pull

17. Your company's corporate bonding retreat, doing the firewalk

18. Back of the Hallmark Store, clutching a Precious Moments figurine

19. Sniffing poppers, having just blown all your Linden dollars on a Second Life hooker binge

20. The dressing room at Men's Wearhouse, the first and only time you've ever tried on a sweater vest

21. The local dental school, getting that half-off root canal

22. In your Rav4, blasting "Il Divo", unable to hear the oncoming train

23. In a dunk 'em booth, dressed as a clown, taunting passersby

24. The captain's table on The Nation magazine's Annual Seminar Cruise, trying to impress Janeane Garofalo

25. A tattoo parlor, with a half-completed Thug Life inked across your lower stomach