This week's episode of The Hills explored one of the quintessential question of our age: What if Spencer never met Heidi? Would the absence of the blondest pair in Hollywood be like a butterfly flapping its wings, causing a slight change in the atmosphere that ultimately results in large-scale shifts in life as we know it? Would Taco Bell exist? Would we all be speaking German right now? Maybe. But you can't go back in time, friends. You can only look to the future.

So. If The Hills were a Lifetime movie, this would be the episode when the three women (Holly, Heidi, and L.C.) conspire together to kill Spencer. To Die For meets MacBeth meets the second and third verses of "Earl's Got to Die" by the Dixie Chicks. As it was, everyone just sat around talking about why everyone else couldn't be friends. We're waiting for Holly to be poolside with L.C., musing about how great life would be without Spencer, when a .357 magnum accidentally drops out of her Chloé bag.

At least Audrina went out on a date. Sadly, she prattles on about Justin Bobby, thus ruining her chances with "Colin," a goofy guy who declares himself to the "happiest drunk you'll ever see." Colin is fantastic, by the way. He doesn't call her dude. He stares into her dead, dilated pupils and declares them "beautiful." Oh, Colin. This Hills world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Since we're a bit short on plot this week, here is one theme you can call upon the next time you're a few glasses into your Pinot Grigio, desperate to pull off one of those overreaching high-brow takes on low culture: Audrina can't get over Justin Bobby. JUST LIKE LAUREN CAN'T GET OVER HEIDI. Both pairs had a "great couple years" and now are torn asunder. Lauren can't even hang out with new friends without hearing Heidi's sweet voice, remembering the way she used to smell, the way her flaxen hair used to curl at the ends, capturing the light just so. What is friendship? What is romantic love? Are the two really so different? And does Lauren's inability to truly accept Heidi back into her life reveal her to be afraid, ultimately, of her own overwhelming emotions? Catching Heidi is like trying to pin a wave upon the sand, and what Lauren fears, above all things, is being out of control.

All I know is: If it weren't for that Spencer, they'd be together. If only someone had the huevos to remove him....