"Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has accused the United States of orchestrating the conflict in Georgia to benefit one of its presidential election candidates."—CNN

Ha, Vladimir Putin has gone and lost his damn mind. Or has he? Hey, we've read enough John le Carré to know how shit works, which is to say, we've read enough of our American history books to know how shit works. Plus we saw The Skulls 3.

We see no reason why President George Bush couldn't rig together a little well-timed dog-wagging ethnic cleansing in the Caucasus for the betterment of The Party. Make the aggressors Red Russians and presto change-o: Nervous voters nostalgic for the party that ended the Cold War. That little hostage rescue operation in Colombia did seem to go over rather well for Republican presidential candidate John McCain, who is—if maybe you'd forgotten?—a war hero and former hostage himself. Wife Cindy has been visiting Georgian refugees since the Democratic convention began, clever thing.

The only trouble with this theory? The media don't elect the president. Swear. The American people do! Rah! And according to the 2007 Pew Research Report, around 75 percent had no idea who the Russian president even was. Serious money says most of the electorate thinks the bald guy on the news is talking about some sort of clannish dustup in the Peach State.