Sadly, Christian Bale's arrest didn't hit the Batwave until Tuesday morning, too late for the weeklies' Monday night close—you know, because the police waited until after the London premiere of The Dark Knight to question Batman about allegedly shoving his mother and sister around. Sigh, and we so wanted to put to paper our theory about what caused Bale to go Bat-shit crazy. We think that old Bats had had it up to here with every reporter shoving a mic in his face and asking if dead co-star Heath Ledger deserves an Oscar for his turn as the Joker. We suspect that Chris showed up in his cute little Bruce-Wayne-y suit to pick up his fam for the premiere and that his ma was all like, "So that Heath was so good..." He just lost it and a barrage of batarangs ensued.

Heh, we guess we did write about our theory after all. It's not bats but babies that dominate the glossies this week. Babies, babies, babies and all their creepy biological glory!

Us Weekly boldly proclaims that that Brad and Angelina's twins were the result of in vitro fertilization and not good old-fashioned humping. There are many medical details and statistics about the procedure. We do not think that we needed to know these things.

In Touch boasts the first photos of Brad and Angie's "Baby Joy." What they don't mention is that the photos are not of the new Brangie miracle twins, but of the couple frolicking in their 880 acre French abode with their older, less exciting children and Brad's parents. Everyone is dressed frumpy, the kids are running under a garden hose and playing with soccer balls. Hmm, the world's hottest couple has to revert to fertility treatments and suburban plastic wadding pools; this makes us sad.

"Hollywood's Pregnant!" Life & Style's cover boasts, thus damning us to dozens of future "Baby Joy" stories. Apparently failed superhero couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (Daredevil and Elektra, respectively) have found they have the power to make babies, and Ben's mama is telling anyone who will listen that the couple is expecting child number 2. Others who might be knocked up and/or ate a burrito include: Uma Thurman, Reese Witherspoon, Eva Longoria Parker and Ellen DeGeneres (though she and Portia haven't decided who should carry the babe).

Meanwhile Ok! shells out the big bucks for the pics and an interview with new daddy Matthew McConaughey and babymama Camila Alves, whose skills other than getting sperminated by a celebrity include designing leather purses. Our favorite quote from Matthew says it all:

Contractions started kicking in, and we fond a great rhythm. We had a 14-hour session, her and I did. I sat there with her, right between my legs and we got tribal on it. We danced to it. I was DJing this native Brazilian music. . . no painkiller, let's just go. . . let's sty in the rhythm. Don't let the contraction be more than you.

Yeah, throw a batarang at that.